Back in the 1800’s in France, there was a man named Jacque DeLonge. He was from a long line of people whose job was to clean the sewers. But, Jacque was a very lazy guy. His boss couldn’t get him to do his job cleaning the sewers. They paid him good money, but he would spend it mostly on alcohol and then go home and beat his wife. The administrators in his part of France were furious. They were trying to run a clean province, but with guys like Jacque, how could they? Should they clean “Les Sewers” themselves? This is not real French, but for the entertainment purposes of English speakers we can imagine that it means “the sewers”, imagine the administrator Stephan saying this with a thick French accent throwing his hands in the air!
“Les Sewers!”
So, finally by the end of the 1800’s, the French administrators had had enough of these lazy French guys who commanded huge salaries, but did almost no work cleaning “Les Sewers.” They needed some desperate people to clean “Les Sewers.” They thought long and hard and came up with nothing. This problem that they had had for over one hundred years was getting worse and no solutions came to mind until one day came a knock on the door.
(knock knock knock)
The Solution — for now
Stephan said in his thick French accent: “Ooo is eet?” meaning who is it? A scrawny and desperate Algerian man who hadn’t eaten for days said he would do anything for a baguette and some meat — but, not pork as it was not Halal. Then Stephan said, “If pork is good enough for us, it is good enough for you!” Then, Fuad said, “I would rather starve with dignity rather than even touch this forbidden food!” Stephan was not impressed, and said that was all he had. Then Fuad said, “Fine, in that case you can find someone else to clean “Les Sewers” and slammed the door loudly.
Stephan realizing that he was going to lose a huge opportunity and chased Fuad for blocks through high snow drifts, ice, and other hazards. Finally, upon catching up to Fuad, he offered him some chicken, vegetables and lots of bread in a huge basket to take to his family. From that day forward, they hired Fuad to clean “Les sewers!” Fuad worked so hard and did such a good job that Jacque DeLonge was immediately fired. Stephan the administrator found a way to bring all of Fuad’s extended family over from Algeria and had them do all types of hard jobs that the locals wouldn’t do. But, one generation later, Fuad and his cousins’ children refused to do this type of work. They wanted to own gas stations or be rap artists. Okay, perhaps my story is a little historically inaccurate since we are still in the end of the 1800’s, but imagine 1800’s gas stations and 1800’s style rap music in French if you can.
But, the problem continued
Once again Stephan was in a bind. Nobody would clean the sewers. But, he had a solution. He would import another several thousand Algerian immigrants to do the hard work. The children of the first round of Algerians were even lazier than Jacque DeLonge, the lazy French sewer cleaner. Once again, twenty years later, the immigrants who came to do difficult jobs had each had ten children per family, none of whom wanted to do any type of hard work. Many were unemployed, many strived to be rap artists or drug dealers, and many did easier indoor jobs, but none would clean “Les sewers!”
A third round of immigrants & ethnic tensions
For the third time Stephan had a serious problem. He needed someone to clean “Les Sewers,” but his cleaners had retired, and their children didn’t want to do this type of work. Stephan was getting old now, so his son Gabriel took over his job. Gabriel gave work visas to tens of thousands of new immigrants from North Africa to do the tough jobs as the descendants of the earlier immigrants and the local French wouldn’t touch those jobs. So, the new immigrants came, the jobs got done. But, now they were experiencing a new type of problem. The first round of immigrants were few in numbers, and hard at work. There was no problem having them around. The second round of immigrants were more in numbers, and hard at work. The children of the first round of immigrants were few, and only a handful made trouble. But, now there were more children, grandchildren, more drugs, more rap music, more unemployment, and lots of tension between Christians and Muslims. The tension became eventually unleashed itself in violence as Muslims were tired of being segregated by society and Christians felt threatened. So, what’s the solution.
A fourth round of immigrants.
Once again there were more people in France by now, and more sewers, but nobody wanted to clean them. So Gabriel, let in the fourth round of immigrants to clean the sewers. But, now the Muslim population of France was about 10% and with their fast birth rate and high rate of immigration, statisticians believe they would be 50% within a generation. This would be okay if the Christians and Muslims could live in peace together, but they never enjoyed each others company and terror attacks were on the rise making it unsafe for anyone to live in France. Once again, after round four of immigrants retired, someone new needed to come to clean the sewers.
A fifth round
A fifth round of immigrants came to clean the sewers. They were escaping starvation and political unrest in Libya, Algeria, and poverty in Morocco. They were happy to be away from their problems. But, the more of them who came to France, France inherited the type of problems that existed in the old country. The only thing that happened is that their problems became geographically transplanted — but didn’t go away. Gabriel’s son Maxwell’s administrative problems didn’t go away either as he once again ran out of people to clean the sewers. By now the Muslim population in France was 20%, and it was clear that they would take over if more came. So, the white French tried to slow down the inevitable by changing who they let immigrate to France. Even after changing who the immigrants were, the Muslim population grew quickly due to their high birth rate and due to illegal immigration as well.
A change in immigration strategy involving Russians
From then on, they decided to let in people who were less prone to extremism, and more compatible with the indigenous French population. They invited Filipinos and Russians to come to clean “Les Sewers.” Anatoly was a Russian sewer cleaner, and one of the best they had seen. He worked tirelessly and gave France the cleanest sewers that they had seen in five hundred years. He did his work with pride. Maxwell, the grandson of Stephan gave him gifts, showered him with praise, and invited him for dinner regularly (providing he took a shower and changed clothes of course.) Until one day Anatoly came late to work. Maxwell tried to figure out what happened. After a long conversation, the answer was revealed. Anatoly was going to school and was studying for his final. He was going to be an Orthodontist. Maxwell thought that was wonderful, but if Anatoly becomes an Orthodontist, who will clean “Les sewers?” So, Maxwell let in more and more Russians to do labor. The Algerians lasted a generation doing horrible jobs, but the Russians only lasted 8-10 years before they became Orthodontists, shop owners, or something else. On a brighter note, they didn’t add fuel to the Muslim Christian riots that were now regularly happening. So, Maxwell worked harder at helping Filipinos come to France. His first round of Filipino immigrants lasted a generation. But, their children all studied night and day. When Maxwell asked the Filipino-French children what they wanted to do for a living, they all answered, “I want to be an Orthodontist or own a flower shop.” That is wonderful — but, once again, for the 200th time, who will clean “Les Sewers?”
2050 — the year of the great persecution
By this time, the Muslim population in France had grown to 80% of the population and the extremists had made it so that Christian residents and other infidels were forbidden from polluting Paris or most of the rest of France with their presence. The Christians were banished to Normandie, or they would face death. Twenty years after that, the Christians were forced into refugee camps on the coast of Normandie. It got to the point where the Christians were forced into futuristic inflatable boats, and eventually were being fired upon by extra-terrestrial looking phaser guns by the extremists. Most of the Christian French died in this persecution. But, not all of them. At last, a boat from heaven came to save the survivors. It was a futuristic levitating boat from Iceland that looked more like a UFO than a boat.
A new chance for the French refugees in Iceland
The great great great great great grandchildren of Stephan the city manager and Jacque DeLonge the lazy French sewer cleaner from the 1800’s were amoung the survivors on the boat. They were so happy to be alive.
SURVIVORS: Thank you so much for saving us from persecution.
ICELANDERS: We are happy to save you.
SURVIVORS: We are so happy to have a chance at a new start in life. But, we have no jobs, so how will we make a living. Is there anything that you might need us to do?
ICELANDERS: If you have experience raising farmed baby sharks, we need a lot of help in that department as we like to eat the meat. It is a Viking tradition. We eat it raw! Oh, and one more thing.
SURVIVORS: Yes? What is that? Anything…
ICELANDERS: We need someone to clean what you in France call, “Les Sewers.”
SURVIVORS: Ha ha ha ha… Gladly. We are just happy not to die. But, the irony is that the whole reason we lost our country is because we let dangerous people become the majority in our country solely so they could relieve us from the task of cleaning our own sewers. And look at us now. We are doing exactly the one thing that we refused to do that got us in so much trouble. So the eighth generation descendant of Jacque DeLonge who was born in Lyon in 1852 was once again doing the job of the caste they had belonged to in France, but in Iceland.
2070: France in Iceland
The French Icelanders by now had found better employment. Many chose to own shops, make croissants, own flower shops, become rap artists, or become orthodontists. Now, the Icelanders had a problem. Nobody to clean “Les Sewers.” The Icelanders wanted to let in some Muslims from France (who were now starving after a huge civil war between Shiites and Sunnis in France that destroyed almost everything) to clean “Les Sewers” but, the descendants of the French all said in unison, “NOOOOOOO!!!!” So, Iceland went with really dirty sewers for ten years until a miracle from God happened. A man from Japan showed up who wanted to get some shark meat sashimi. He wanted to eat it with raw ginger and wasabi sauce like they do in Japan. He tasted it and said, “Wow, it is so fresh — oishee desu ne!” He was pleased with how delicious and tasty the shark was and texted his family back in Tokyo. His family was having trouble with their flying car as the altimeter was off by a few nanometers which caused them to be harrassed by local police. But, they were pleased he liked their shark. Finally, the Icelanders asked him what to do about their problem with the sewers. Mr. Kato scratched his head for a moment, and then reached into his wallet. He handed them a business card from a robotics specialist with both hands and bowed respectfully.
2080 Robots From Japan in Iceland
So, the Icelanders called Zatoichi Robotics in Tokyo. They flew over in one of their newest models of flying cars, or what they called, “Frying caws.” They supplied the Icelanders with lots of robots and a maintenance contract that was to last ten years. The Icelanders were ecstatic and signed immediately. For the first time in human history the problem of the sewers had finally been solved.
2090 A civil war in Iceland.
Then, some very serious problems broke out. The descendants of the French and the Icelanders had never gotten along. They didn’t marry with each other, and they rarely socialized together. There was peace initially since the French were so happy to be alive, but now, the French took their new home for granted. Additionally, the French were having genetic engineered children which the indiginous Icelanders forbade which led to a huge conflict. Since the birthrate of the French descendants was more than of the local population, eventually, the French grew to be 90% of the population. Since the French felt persecuted by the anti-genetic engineering laws and the rigid enforcement of these laws, the French decided to make the Icelanders live in the corner of the island and take the rest for themselves. A few years later, this long standing conflict over genetics led to an all out war, and the French pushed the Icelanders into the sea. Luckily, a boat from France run by moderate Muslims came to save them in a mission of mercy. By now, the extremists had all killed themselves and the survivors of the civil war in France were all very peaceful nice people who practiced charity to the poor as Islam calls for.
2100 The Icelanders take refuge in Islamic France
The Icelanders were very happy to be admitted into Islamic France. They found the religion to be a bit odd, but the Islamic French agreed with them on their most important political view which was that bio-genetic engineering was wrong, or as the Islamic French put it — “Haram!” So, the Icelanders and the Islamic French lived together in harmony. However, the Icelanders had no jobs, and the Muslims didn’t like shark meat which was the local specialty for the Icelanders. So, what were they to do? The Muslims said that they had many jobs that they needed done, but there was one job that they couldn’t find anyone to do no matter how hard they looked. They could not find anyone to clean — “Les Sewers.”
Who will fix “Les Robots”
Meanwhile in Iceland, the descendants of the Christian French were enjoying their conquested land. This was the first time in three-hundred years that French had done anything aggressive. They had robots to clean their sewers and life was good until one day. The robots started breaking down, and the repair people in Tokyo were all young people as the older people were working on other projects. The young people only knew how to fix the newer models of robots. The Christian French had nobody to fix “Les robots!” After several years of dealing with disasters, and French people trying to learn robotic programming, the situation was out of hand. A few French were able to learn this task, but not enough to get the job done. They tried to make a deal with the Japanese. They would offer generous terms if some of the older robotic programmers could live in Iceland and keep those robots running. The price for the robotics programmers was insanely high, and the programmers required the best flying cars, the best apartments, and fresh raw shark meat in large quantities. Since the indiginous Icelanders had left, there was nobody left who knew how to raise farmed baby sharks anymore, so they were in trouble. So, they had to let some of the children of the Icelanders who they kicked out to come back and raise sharks for them so that they could keep the programmers from Japan happy. After many years, the programmers from Japan finally died of old age, and from the toxins in the sharks. The weather in Iceland got much worse, and the Christian French had to find a new place to live that would be inhabitable. Since they had good relations with the Japanese, they were invited to live in a part of Japan.
2110: The French Moved to Japan
The Christian French were happy to have escaped a slow death due freezing weather from global climate change. They were happily living in Japan. They were segregated on a peninsula of an island, but they could live, enjoy their language, their culture, and not freeze to death. The only bad thing is that there were not many jobs. The Japanese had long since back abandoned using robots to clean the sewers because the cost of fixing the breakdowns was cost prohibitive. Everytime they found a good robotics programmer, they would quit after a few years to chase after a more exotic programming job. The sewer cleaning robot programmers lasted only about four years. After this period, they all wanted to program for robots who would work at flower shops or do orthodontic work. The French started laughing, because this was the exact situation they had had with the Filipino immigrants children. None of them wanted to clean the sewers, but they wanted to own flower shops or be an orthodontist leaving nobody to clean the sewers. Although Japan had a very unfair caste system that was horrifying to Westerners (especially the French,) they had no problem finding indiginous humans to do sewer cleaning tasks as they didn’t like relying on immigrants to do anything — hence the reliance on robots. The French, although segregated, were very popular with the Japanese as they ran some of the best restaurants in the entire country. The Japanese for over six hundred years had professional restaurant reviewers and they liked nothing more than high quality French cuisine and some hybrid Japanese-French cuisine as well. But, then, there was a terrible earthquake in Japan. This generation of French once again had to flee the only country they knew. But, where would they go?
2120 Meanwhile in France.
The Muslim French who now had been residing in France for over two hundred years felt bad that their ancestors had been so horrible to these peaceful Christians. The current Muslims in France were very peaceful as the extremists were all killed in their civil war long time ago (as we mentioned before.) So, the ethnic French were readmitted into their country. They went back to the old neighborhoods where their great grandparents once lived and cried. They didn’t even recognize the neighborhoods from the pictures as everything was so modernized and Islamicized. The French said Thank You a million times. There was just one thing. The Muslim French had nobody to clean “Les Sewers.” So, the ethnic French had to do all of the dirty jobs in France for a generation. I guess you could say it was their retribution according to the laws of “Le Karma!” After that, the Muslims started leaving France. Their countries of origin had become prosperous, and besides, the weather was nicer in North Africa. France once again became the exclusive property of the ethnic French who had all returned. But, there was one problem. Nobody wanted to clean — “Les Sewers!”
The French tried to think of all of the possibilities to solve this problem. They could go back to a 1400’s type of a feudal caste system. They could try to teach more robotics in school so that they could fix sewer cleaning robots. They could have immigrants from Fiji come and clean the sewers for a generation until they too became Orthodontists. They finally agreed that there would be a law in France that nobody could attend college until they had done two years of “Sewer duty.” This system worked for a while, until the law was repealed twenty years later by some well meaning liberals who thought that the law was “inhumane”. Once again, the French had nobody to clean, “Les Sewers.”
2140: The Moon People
Finally, another miracle happened. Some French had gone in a spaceship to the moon. They found some creatures who lived underground who had no eyes. Their entire existence was experienced in the dark. They used some psychic means to communicate with these creatures as by now the French were very spiritual and psychic. The creatures said that life on the moon was not so easy. There was not enough gravity, and they wanted a new place to live. There was only one problem though. They couldn’t stand living above ground — and they would work very hard if they could be given a safe home underground with good food. There was only one other requirement. Their employement would need to be exclusively underground. They asked the Frenchman Jacque (who incidentally was the 12th generation descendant of the famous Jacque DeLonge) if he could think of a solution. Jacque said, “You can clean our sewers — that is completely underground!” The moon people were so happy. They got in the spaceship and came to planet earth where they worked every day cleaning “Les sewers.” They were in the news, on the intraplanetary web, and the entire galaxy came to know about this. Unfortunately, these moon people started getting weird diseases that they never got on the moon and died off. Once again France had nobody to clean “Les Sewers.”
2160: 123outsource.net provides a solution
Finally, another Jacque, (son of the other Jacque we talked about — yes, this one was the 13th generation descendant of the famous Jacque DeLonge who was so lazy about cleaning the sewers.) came up with a solution. He visited 123outsource.net and found sewer cleaning outsourcing services. They would come from India to France, do their job, and go back home on flying saucers they called “Vimanas”. They didn’t have to become citizens and then have their children become rap artists and flower shop owners only to require the French to have another round of immigrants, and so on, and so on. They would do the job, and go back home on a craft called “Pushpaka” to have chapatis. The French loved this. So, for 20 years, France had a solution to their sewer problem thanks to 123outsource.net. But, eventually, the Indian guys running the service went into spaceship repair and moved to a different planet where the wages were higher. Rahul commented, “These days it is hard to get a good marriage if you are not willing to work on a different planet for a MPC (multi-planetary company.)”
2170 Rejoicing in Muck!
The French all got together for a long discussion. The same type of discussion that they had a generation ago. They needed a permanent solution to their sewer problem that would not lead to them losing their country, or becoming dependent on unreliable robotics professionals. Finally after two months of daily discussion, a man by the name of Jacque (yes, another Jacque) came up with an idea. “The only solution that will last in the long run is that we need to stop being lazy and clean our own sewers. We have seen how laziness has led to us losing our country, being economically enslaved by our commitments to robotics engineers, and relying on 123outsource.net which although was pleasant, made us reliant. We need to clean our own sewers and enjoy it.
So, for the next two hundred years, the French learned to rejoice in doing the most unpleasant jobs. They found a sort of fulfillment in it. They molded their culture so that difficult jobs were seen as “Freedom jobs” as doing those sorts of jobs ensured the long term economic and physical safety of France from people from other cultures who had different values, sensibilities, and religions. Finally, the French had figured it out. In fact, this concept of connecting the idea of freedom to cleaning sewers became so popular that everybody wanted to be a hero and clean sewers. There was only one problem. Now, France didn’t have any orthodontists. Nobody wanted to be an orthodontist, because they were all getting degrees in advanced sewer cleaning as that was the new passion of the French.
2180 The Filipinos return to France to be Orthodontists.
So, a few years later, they let 10,000 Filipinos fly over on a vessel called “The Gallactic Pinoy.” The Philippines by 2180 had far one orthodontist for every twenty members of the population. There were too many dentists and not enough teeth. They were so happy to have a home in France where they could eat Halo-Halo every day and enjoy their passion of straightening people’s teeth. But, the children of the Filipino orthodontists, no longer wanted to fix teeth. They too wanted to be heros, and clean sewers.
So endeth the story of Jacque DeLonge, the lazy French man who inadvertantly caused the downfall of France merely because he was too lazy to clean — “Les Sewers!”
The End!