There are call centers that remind you that your medical bills are due. Then, there are technical support and appointment setting call centers. The Philippines seems to dominate the industry, but many other countries like India are in on the game too. But, what about a call centre that helps you with the most pressing frustrations in your life? Let’s think about it. What types of things bother you the most? How to get a date with the guy or girl you like but are afraid to approach and how to get more followers on Facebook.
CLIENT: Hi, this is John — from Albany, NY. There is this girl I have been wanting to ask out for a long time. I am just not sure of the approach.
SUJATA: Well, according to my manual here, you should ideally start with an opener
CLIENT: An opener? You mean like a can opener?
SUJATA: No, I mean an opener line.
CLIENT: Oh, an opening line. Like what?
SUJATA: I have a whole online dictionary of all sorts of picking up phrases. Let me pick up a phrase right now. Let me see… here we go na? So, do you come here a lot?
CLIENT: Well, you see the girl goes to my school. So, I know that she goes there a lot.
SUJATA: Okay okay okay. So, we’ll use this one. Is there a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.
CLIENT: I think that is a line for women to say hi to men in a riskee way, not for men to use on girls.
SUJATA: Oh, I see I see I see I see I see. Okay, I have another one na!
CLIENT: Na? What is na?
SUJATA: Oh, it is just something we say. Perhaps you should use that in your pick up line na?
CLIENT: This is not working. I have one other problem. I need to get more followers on Facebook. I have been on it for three years and only have 126 followers including my mom, sister, and cat.
SUJATA: Oh, that is not bad. Does your cat interact with you a lot on Facebook and share things?
CLIENT: Well, she shared a photo of a dead mouse, and shared my picture of her.
SUJATA: Oh, so sweet. Yes, according to our stats, photos of animals do quite well in Facebook as do photos of food, outerspace, and beautiful natural settings. It is the photos that make you go “awe” that will get shared the most. Perhaps you could have your cat do a selfie with a background of a Nebula or something like this na?
CLIENT: Let me try this. Okay, I’m going to do it with you on the phone. I have photo shop. Fluffie, and now… adding the Orion Nebula… When Santa’s helpers did a selfie, it was more of an “elfie…”
SUJATA: Oh, so you are a comedian too? Okay, I see the photo. I am going to share your photo with my followers. All 200,426 which includes most of my village in Karnataka, half of the computer literate folks in my part of Juhu Beach in Mumbai, and my clients in the United States.
CLIENT: This is amazing. My followers went up from 126 to 2126 in just ten minutes. You are amazing! You are the best Facebook helper I have ever met. As far as the dating tips — uh, maybe not. So, how do you do dating in your country just out of curiousity?
SUJATA: Oh, it is much easier. There are no pick up lines at all. Aunty or mom just meet other aunties, discuss if they have a son. We make sure they are from our subcaste first of course.
CLIENT: Of course! You gotta be from the same subcaste. That goes without saying. And then what?
SUJATA: Then, we learn what the boy’s father’s job is, and how old he is, and what the boy is doing for work etc. We make sure he has a suitable job. Whether we like each other is not part of the equation at all.
CLIENT: Oh, that makes it much easier. Because if you start out liking each other, that usually ends up with hate. Love turns to hate, at least in my dating relationships. If you start not liking each other, at least in the long run, there is a possibility that things could get better — so there would be hope.
SUJATA: Exactly. That is how we look at it too. We figure, that over the course of the marriage, we will eventually learn to love each other. It only took my parents fifteen years to learn to love each other.
CLIENT: Only fifteen years? Not bad.
SUJATA: Then, we invite the boy over and have chai. We decide within a time span of 20 minutes — the time it took me to get you 2000 additional followers on Facebook whether the marriage will work on not. Last, but not least then they ask me if I have an opinion.
CLIENT: So, what is the correct etiquette for you to say yes or no?
SUJATA: If I like the boy and feel he is a suitable match, I simply say yes.
CLIENT: And if you don’t like the boy?
SUJATA: Oh, that is quite straightforward as well. If I don’t like the boy I simply threaten to commit suicide by slitting my wrists with a dull and rusty razor blade if I am forced to marry the boy. That generally works with most Indian families.
CLIENT: Cool. I love it. I’m moving to India. Maybe I’ll have an easier time getting married over there. By the way, what caste would be considered over in your country?
SUJATA: Ummm. Let’s change the subject. Let’s talk about Facebook again. You see, you need to understand the algorithmic relationship between the photo and the line of text in any Facebook post. After a lengthy analysis of your posts, I have concluded that your main area of strength is that….