How to create a new corporate culture in 3 easy steps!

Creating a new corporate culture is easy with our new powder. Mix with water, get a new corporate culture. It is actually, not that much harder than that, but you need good analytics and cooperation from higher level people at your company to pull this off.

Sometimes, to succeed in a particular market niche, or to be efficient in your company, you need a particular type of corporate culture. If you have a few anti-social types, lazy people, or uncooperative people, that can throw the entire corporate culture off. It is much worse than the fact that those individuals are not producing the types of results you want, they INFLUENCE others in a negative way — and you can’t have that!

Or, maybe the corporate culture you have is uncultural. Let’s say that you can not talk to your employees about Mozart or the finer points of Hungarian literature. Maybe those attributes are important to attracting better future staff members, or perhaps attracting more cultured clients. Remember, high class people are impressed by people who are cultured. On the other hand, most rich people in the United States are culturally illiterate, so maybe culture doesn’t matter.

Putting aside what types of attributes you want in your new culture, you should have good reasons for whatever attributes you want, and a sensible way of gaining them.

If you have a corporation with 300 employees, you might find that people fit your new cultural model to a greater or lesser extent. If you have clearly defined attributes written down, you might find that 100 of your employees fit the model well enough to keep. Perhaps another 100 have a few of the attributes you like and would be worth it to TRAIN to meet some of your other attributes. The remaining 100 employees should ideally be let go — but, not all at once.

Step 1: Start firing the worst 33% of your workforce that doesn’t match your new model

If you have to get rid of 33% of your workforce, you need a timetable for doing so. You need a plan of which types of workers to get rid of first as well. You create an algorithm which takes many factors into consideration. How well someone fits your corporate cultural ideal would account for several of the factors, how well they do their job and contribute in general would account for the other factors.

If you fire roughly 1.5% of your least favorable employees per month, over a period of two years, and rehire people who fit your new corporate cultural ideas to a tee while doing great work as well, you have accomplished much of creating a new corporate culture.

Step 2: Hire new people who meet your cultural and work model to a tee.

Step 3: Culturally mold the employees that you didn’t fire, as well as your new hirees to see if they can match your new model perfectly

Training is the second and potentially more difficult part of the cultural change. You need to INSTILL new corporate values into the workers who you are not going to can. If your new values include being knowledgeable about Mozart as you plan your takeovers, then play Mozart all the time. Give lectures about Mozart to your people. You can write lyrics to Mozart string quartets too.

“We’re going to seize your assets…. I’d like to see you try… Your corporate debt…. It makes me cry… We’ll take you over….. You will see… and in the end…. you’ll understand our decree.”

“Oh no you won’t… we’ll call in the calvary… we know investors… that can turn this around… never mind that our lyrics do not rhyme… you will see that we will save our corporation in thyme!!”

You can play Mozart piano concertos in the morning, sonatas during lunch, string quartets in the early afternoon, and then test employees on their knowledge. Those who can’t deal with the new corporate culture would need to be weeded out slowly over time.

Step 4 (of 3): Continue the process for around three years with any necessary refinements.

The end result after about three years, is that you would have successfully converted your uptight and stuffy corporation into a bunch of music loving nuts who do corporate takeovers and sing silly lyrics to Mozart string quartets. All you need is a vision, a very capable HR department who understands algorithms & counter-harmony, plus a really good corporate training division which hires Russian dissidents who know how to teach music (and chess) really well. A good sound system wouldn’t hurt either.

Good luck!

You might also like:

How to create a company culture like Google’s and enjoy doing it

An Indian company learns Japanese culture to boost teamwork

Is Amazon too touch on their workers?

This entry was posted in Of Interest, Popular on Google+, Popular on Twitter, Semi-Popular and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to How to create a new corporate culture in 3 easy steps!

  1. John McCoy says:

    A strong culture will drive out people who don’t fit in a relatively short time, assuming no interference from unions, government, and other meddlers. All it takes is courage.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *