Star Wars: Dearth Vader outsources an IT project to Tatooine!

Please note that the characters and references in this article are based on American television and movies. If you are from a country that didn’t have our media presence, you might not understand who the characters are. As I was taking my afternoon walk, I fantasized about how interesting it would be if the main characters from Star Wars (1976) had dialogues resembling the ones in the American sitcom Seinfeld. As I walked, I thought that princess Leah would make a great Elaine from Seinfeld. Han Solo has the same sarcasm as Jerry. Luke unfortunately is too innocent and optimistic to be a Seinfeld character. Lando could be George. But, who would be Kramer. It could be Obi-Wan, or Darth Vader. Hmmm.

After the movie Star Wars was made. There were many changes in the galaxy, and in the Federation. Darth Vader got sick of being on the dark side of the force and just wanted a simpler life. Lando kept thinking of scams that could get him ahead at work. And Han Solo, just got more and more cynical about life.

LEAH: I can’t believe this happened. He said, it’s not you it’s me. I invented that. That’s my line. I should be the one who says it’s not you, it’s me.

HAN SOLO: Well, maybe in this case it really is him.

LANDO: I hate it when people say that. If they say it’s not you, its me — then it’s you. If they say — I think we should see other people, it means they already are.

DARTH VADER: You gotta see this. It’s a new spaceship. You gotta see the brochure. It’s only 500,000 federation dollars!

LANDO: Well, is it good on fuel efficiency?

DARTH: It doesn’t use fuel, it absorbs the energies of the universe around it.

HAN SOLO: Better steer clear of you when you wake up in the morning.

DARTH: I’m not a morning person.

HAN SOLO: I’d hate to hear how deep your voice is then.

DARTH: Hey Leah, guess what I just bought. It’s sitting on space dock #9

LEAH: That’s yours? Get OUT! (pushes Darth)

DARTH: Well, I need it. Ever since I left my military post, I’ve been running my own business doing droid programming outsourcing. Sometimes I need to go to Naboo and Tatooine to visit the programmers. In fact, I’ve got to go now before the exchange rates change.

LEAH: May the force be with you. The good side of the force, that is.

HAN SOLO: What’s the deal with this thing called the force? When you think about it, it’s a little creepy. I’m not sure I want the force being with me all the time. A little here, a little there when you need to get something done I can understand. But with you 24/7? I need my alone time. I need my space.

LEAH: This is Star Wars. We all need our space! That’s where we live.

HAN SOLO: And “force”. Right away, it conjures up doing something against my will.

LEAH: Okay, okay. May the… something short of force be with you, when you don’t need your space.

HAN SOLO: (to Darth) Speaking of needing your space, how come that face helmet you’re wearing doesn’t cramp your style?

DARTH: Don’t knock the face helmet, Han. The savings in breath mints alone makes it a worthy investment.

Darth takes off in his new space ship.

HAN SOLO: Thank God for breath mints. That’s a force I don’t need with me.

Leah nods her head in agreement. Cut to Darth and Vipool in programming.

DARTH: Hey Vipool, how’s it coming with the programming for R2D2?

VIPOOL: Oh sorry. My programmer who specialized in R2 units just got poached by Infosys. My other guys only specialize in Androids and mobile apps.

DARTH: Well, now what am I supposed to do? I could just strangle that guy while breathing heavily through my black mask!

VIPOOL: I just dig your new space ship. Does it still have that new space ship smell?

DARTH: Ooh baby. You know it. Maybe you should have some type of a contract with those programmers to make sure they don’t get poached.

VIPOOL: The only ones who would sign it are ones who I don’t want to keep anyway. It’s a bit like dating.

DARTH: Tell me about it. My love life has sucked ever since puberty kicked in and my voice changed.

VIPOOL: It’s hard to imagine you without a deep voice.

DARTH: Oh, I had a deep voice at birth. At puberty, it changed to the lilting soprano you hear now.

VIPOOL: You call that a lilting soprano?

DARTH: Compared to my voice at birth, bingo.

VIPOOL: So, how are we going to get a new programmer for R2?

DARTH: What do you mean how are WE. How are YOU? If you don’t get a replacement soon, I might be tempted to return to the dark side of the force.

VIPOOL: Chelsea Handler is better off there on her own. I can put a junior R2 programmer on the task tomorrow. Do you want one resource or two?

DARTH: If he’s a junior programmer, he’s more of a liability than a resource. Use the force, Vipool.

OBI-WAN: Darth. I know you’ve come a long way since you struck me down. I will help you. I will help you find a new R2 programmer who specializes in droid migration technologies. The force will be with you.

DARTH: I feel a presence that I haven’t felt in a very long time. Obi-Wan. My teacher. You have come to help me! Wait. The answer is coming to me. I need to outsource my project to a different star system. I am feeling it now. The moon on Yavin — yes, they will have R2 programmers there, and the exchange rate will be one Federation dollar for every 3.5 Yavinese Dinars. I will fly there immediately.

HAN SOLO: Why do people make the jump to hyper-space? Half the time, people haven’t even analyzed the coordinates to see where they’re going. It’s like telling Siri, “Take me frickin’ anywhere.”

LEAH: Siri. Didn’t you used to date her?

HAN SOLO: Yeah. She’s great at giving directions, but wasn’t great at taking them.

LEAH: I can’t believe it. The Death Star’s plumbing system is being completely overhauled. There’s never a good plumber when you need one.

HAN SOLO: Didn’t you date a plumber once?

LEAH: Like I said, there’s never a good plumber when you need one.

LANDO: I have to go down there to renew my intergallactic driver’s license. Believe it or now, I”m authorized to fly a ship up to 10,000 metric tons. I lied on the application. I told them I had five years experience flying medium sized ships.

LEAH: Why do they still call it the Death Star? Since Darth turned to the good side of the force, it’s become just like a regular place.

LANDO: Too expensive changing the name on all the Death Star tchotchkes.

This short satire ends with Darth going to a new star system and hiring new programmers. Yavin’s moon has programmers who don’t have any aspiration to get married. They aren’t attracted by the status of working for a big company. They’re just happy working for the same company year after year. And since the average inhabitant of Yavin’s moon lives to be 392.5 years old, the average worker has several human lifetimes of experience before they retire. Including being phased out by employers who fire them when they reach 265 for cheaper labor. Darth Vader had used the force to find programming staff that were the smartest in the universe. These did NOT include any TV network programmers! Thus ends this episode of Star Wars with Seinfeld type rules!

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