Outsourcing a Jihadi — a comedy about something not so funny

I take national security very seriously, so this skit is written in jest — Not to poke fun at those in Homeland Security who risk their lives to protect us!

The Hamas boys in Gaza found themselves outgunned and needed some help. A friend had them look around on the internet to see if they could find any helpful information. And, there it was! Outsource a Jihadi, in Gujarat, India. Mohammad and Hani in Gaza called this agency in India to see if they could obtain the services of a mercenary for hire and got more than they bargained for with Suresh.

MOHAMMAD: Okay, now let’s practice. The Israelis are hiding behind that embankment. When they surface, do you know what to do?

SURESH: Yes yes, we went over this in training class. I aim my rifle like this and then fire — “Allah hoo akram!”

HANI: You are saying it WRONG! It is not Allah hoo akram, it is Allahu Akbar. (loudly) “Allah-hu-akbar” (fires gun into the air) Are you even a Muslim?

MOHAMMAD: You dummy, you gave away our position!

(then, our three friends were subjected to a barrage of Israeli fire)

HANI: Okay, follow me. There is a tunnel that will take us to another location where we can fight.

SURESH: Okay, just to clarify, our contract doesn’t stipulate tunnels. And by the way, I am not Muslim, I am Hindu. But, I was trained by Dinesh who is a Jain, who was trained by Muslims.

MOHAMMAD: Contract? Listen, get in the tunnel, dummy, or you’ll get us all killed.

HANI: Okay, now the map says there is an opening around here. We are roughly 400 meters from our original location.

SURESH: Good. Just to let you know, our package deal is 1500 rounds of ammunition for 3000 rupees if you supply the amo with a three month contract, but next month we will be having a 10% off sale. We also have a promotion where you can get 200 backlinks to your website, and 4000 rounds of ammunition for an even better price, and a social media presence on Twitter.

HANI: Is that in the contract?

MOHAMMAD: Now, you are concerned about the contract? Forget the contract, we are fighting a war here.

HANI: So how do I pronounce your name?

SURESH: Well, I used to work at a call center outsourcing company, and went by the name John Smith. But, not that I work for a mercenary outsourcing company, you can call me Abdul-Aziz Hyati.

HANI: I’d prefer to call you Suresh, or Abdul-Aziz “Akram”

SURESH: “Allahu Akram” (bang bang) I just got two of them. You see, that guy on the left, and that other character in the middle?

HANI: You are still saying it WRONG! It is…

MOHAMMAD: Hani, he just got two enemy guys. Listen Suresh, you can say it anyway you like. Allahu Akram, Allahu Bok Choi, Allahu hino… whatever you like!

HANI: What is bok choi?

MOHAMMAD: It is some Chinese vegetable I think. I read about it online…

(bang bang… our friends are subjected to heavy shelling)

SURESH: “Areh Krishna!!!” (bang bang) I just got three more, and the others are running for cover.

HANI: Why is it that when he shoots he hits his target and I always miss?

SURESH: We received professional training using sophisticated simulation equipment. Here would you like to see the business card of our school?

MOHAMMAD: Don’t drop that here. It contains the address of your school. The Israelis will destroy the entire neighborhood if they find out.

SURESH: By the way, my buddy Dinesh, he has also been hired. He was deployed in Ashkelon. That is in Iraq, right?

HANI: No, that is twenty miles north of our exact location and he will be killing you and me in the next 48 hours. What the hell type of agency is this? You fight for both sides?

SURESH: Well, you see the contract says that…

MOHAMMAD: ENOUGH of the contract… The contract this… the contract that … “khullus!” (meaning enough)

HANI: Well, let’s celebrate, Suresh got five of them.

SURESH: Yay!!!! (throw his hands in the air and hits his finger on a metal bar) OUCH!!! Oh no, I’m injured. The contract says that if I am injured I must get immediate medical attention and get 20% extra pay.

MOHAMMAD: The contract again? Listen, all of our hospitals have either been bombed, or are overloaded. The only large intact hospital is 20 km from here and when they catch you at the checkpoint they will kill you for sure. Additionally, it is overloaded with people who have lots arms, legs, or have been so disfigured that their own mother wouldn’t be able to recognize them. You just have a sprained finger you numskull!

SURESH: Yes, and it is MOST uncomfortable

HANI: Would you like a massage? I specialize in that.

MOHAMMAD: By the way, what is this, “Areh Krishna” you said?

SURESH: Oh, I was just praying to my God

HANI: YOUR God? You mean there is more than one God now?

SURESH: We have many Gods in India in addition to Allah. Would you like me to educate you about them? I’ll do it even though that is not technicall stipulated in our contract under the terms regarding spiritual education.

MOHAMMAD: He is an infidel. And fighting on OUR side? This is blasphemy. And he is so good at it. How is this all possible. We have more in common with the Jews than with this guy. We both believe in Allah, the god of Abraham or Ibrahim as we call him, but this guy believes in false Gods. Quick. Query the Koran and see what we need to do with this guy.

HANI: It says we are prohibited from associating with him — no matter what.

SURESH: I understand completely. My Brahman friends feel the same way. But, they can cleanse themselves of my unholy Kshetria presence simply be engaging in a Ganga-Snan. A few drops of water from the holy Ganges river will purify you. It is our belief that water purifies everything and that water cannot itself be made to be impure.

HANI: Don’t we put water on people’s graves, is that the same thing?

MOHAMMAD: It doesn’t matter, because putting water on graves is not in the contract.

SURESH: If you are not going to take me to a hospital, then I shall be forced to call headquarters and get airlifted. (ring ring) Hello?

MOHAMMAD: NO!!!! The Israelis will get our coordinates from tracking your satellite phone.

SURESH: I’ll only be fifteen seconds…

(boom…. boom… a heavy sound of shelling.)

SURESH: Oh boy, I should have listened to you. No problem. We’ll just go back into the tunnel network right?

MOHAMMAD: They just bombed all of the entrances to all of our tunnels. We either run West, or we are sitting ducks.

SURESH: Well, for me, I prefer to fight my way out of this situation. And since I already have a sprained finger, I have nothing more to lose at this point in any case! Allahu Akram (bang bang)

This story ends as Mohammad and Hani run into the village behind them. Since the Israelis didn’t know their coordinates as they were running, they were able to make it. Suresh on the other hand, ran directly for Israeli troops. He killed a few more of them. Then, he crossed into Israeli territory, changed into civilian clothing and the Israelis didn’t suspect a thing. After all, his body language was completely Indian, bobbing his head back and forth and speaking with ultra-polite overly emphasized British Grammar.

ISRAELI: What are you doing here?

SURESH: I am lost. I was on a tour of a kibbutz, and then took a very long walk. Then I heard gun-fire and immediately became afraid for my life!

ISRAELI: Don’t you know there’s a war going on here?

SURESH: No, you see, I know, but I like to walk around and got lost. Everything looks the same around here, you know? It is not like my native India where I know the landmarks.

ISRAELI: Well, you are not allowed to be here. You are a security risk.

SURESH: Okay, I’ll leave. But, honestly the definition of what constitutes a security risk…


SURESH: Well, that is not in the contract!

ISRAELI: ENOUGH! Get out of here.

SURESH: Okay. No need to be belligerent. But, one more thing.

ISRAELI: What is it now?

SURESH: Our Gods are better than your Gods!

ISRAELI: Okay… this guy is crazy! (points his finger harshly towards the East!) Go!

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