The on hold message

What’s your on hold message? How is it helping you?
Don’t let your on hold messages be friendlier than you are.
It’s difficult when you’re competing against an artificial version of you.

(1a) If you make your on hold messages evil, then by the time you pick up the phone they’ll want to marry you compared to what they’ve been enduring on hold.

“Your call isn’t very important to us. We know your time isn’t valuable, so rest assured that someone will be with you with we fricken get around to it.”

We realize that being on hold may be boring. But, I assure you that you’re having a better time than I am. After all, I’m just a dumb machine. Would you like some on hold music, or would you prefer to listen to this rant. Enjoy this on hold message until it repeats endlessly and makes a wormhole in your head.

I know you’re on hold. So, I’m going to talk about the same things I would if I thought I had hung up, but hadn’t.
Hmmm. Is that website still down? Why’s my internet? Oh, that last customer was such an idiot. Oh, and her voice was like fingernails on a blackboard. She sounded eighty years old, and fat. Her husband must have divorced her the minute he married her. I could practically smell her breath over the phone. I really have to pee. (customer’s voice) “So go to the restroom.” Oh, are you still there? Did you hear all that? Oh my God I can’t believe I didn’t hang up? (customer’s voice) “I only heard the part about your homosexual tendencies.” (rep’s voice) “Oh my God, you heard what I was thinking too?” (customer’s voice) “I read minds. But, in your case, I just browsed.” We here at XYZ Outsourcing believe that talking about our personal lives is entertaining for customers. Please don’t let this detract from your perception of our professionalism — or our sexuality.

The world’s longest drum solo would be the worst possible way to torture your clients.

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