Trick-or-Treater wearing Ann Handley costume knocks on my door

This entry is purely fictional as nobody in my neighborhood goes trick or treating except to units advertising that they are “open” for Halloween.

It was a dark and windy night. Little kids kept coming to our door with expectant faces longing for an endless acquisition of candy. It all seemed so obsessive compulsive, and all at such a tender young age. A few witches, goblins, skeletons, cowboys, and others who looked like miniature members of “The Village People” came knocking. It was all so typical. I had seen it for so many decades. Nothing seemed to change.

Then a few minutes later, a girl came in very distinctive, tell-tale black glasses — the same exact kind Ann Handley wears in her pictures and uses in her graphics for social media posts. The girl was wearing the same shawl that Ann Handley wore in pictures too. What was this? Was this an eighth grader’s idea of a costume?

ME: Young lady, aren’t you a little young to be an Ann Handley look-alike?

GIRL: Well, actually, in my age group, statistically 2.3% of the market segments of eighth graders from my parent’s income bracket in my town and similar towns in California are interested in marketing including sub-segments of Social Media Marketing, B2B, email marketing, and other marketing specialties.

ME: Well, you certainly know your metrics.

GIRL: Those are segments, not metrics. However, I learned that in this neighborhood, 43.2% of homes will open their doors for trick-or-treaters between the hours of 7pm and 8:45pm, but what we call the “bounce rate” starts rising gradually after that.

ME: I guess one of us did her homework! So, what’s your favorite neighborhood to go trick-or-treating, metrics aside?

GIRL: I like the neighborhood directly East of here. They are mostly Mexican and often offer SALSA & CHIPS to trick or treaters. Unfortunately, one played a trick on us and put some habanero sauce and mixed it in the salsa without warning us.

ME: Interesting. Well, I have asked you some questions. Would you like to ask me any?

GIRL: Yes, I have walked several blocks to get to your area. I’m tired, exhausted, and have lost my will to bang on doors anymore. Now that I am in your doorway, my only question is — WILL THERE BE SNACKS?– or treats?

ME: It is uncanny how similar you are to Ann Handley. Her two obsessions in life seem to be fun marketing articles that appeal to people’s emotions, that are fun, easy to read, and packed with meaningful marketing knowledge. Her other obsessions is asking, “Will there be snacks?”

GIRL: Well, you know us eighth graders, our teachers make us do a lot of reading.

ME: Interesting. Well, you will be very interested in the types of treats I have. Since I’m tired of young children who want a happy Halloween experience — since that is NOT what this holiday is supposed to be about: I have Habanero potato chips. Wanna bag?

GIRL: Hmm. Well, I lived through it once. I was thinking more along the lines of Snickers.

ME: Well, speaking of chocolate, not that you brought that to my attention, I had habanero dark chocolate from wine country. I was going to buy the cabernet chocolate, but I thought I’d get this instead to spice things up a little too much.

GIRL: You’re getting warmer.

ME: I also have wasabe chips and … oh look here. I do have a Snickers bar. It is in the pumpkin here on the table.

GIRL: Okay (reaching… )

A horrifying hand that is disfigured, oozing with ooze, and very bony with long fingernails sticks out of the pumpkin.

GIRL: (Shrieks) Ahhhhhhhh!

The girl bolted and ran so fast, that all that remained, was a pair of distinctive Ann Handley style black glasses on the ground. Miraculously, they were not broken. They survived this 14 year old marketing virtuoso, and the fall to the ground. And so ends my charming Halloween marketing tale. Until next time!

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