Stand up comedian at a stand up restaurant in India

Well, what do you know? A stand up restaurant! I wonder if anyone ever considered having a stand up comedian perform at this stand up restaurant. I’m a stand up guy. Maybe I’ll improvise a routine right now. I wonder if anyone will mind. Let’s try.

Comedian: This is a great crowd!

Audience: (glances briefly at him)
Comedian: Something interesting happened to me on the way to the show today. I was on a flight from Singapore to Bangalore, and I decided to do a little comedy. I did a take off on take offs. But, the sound of the engines was so loud, that nobody heard the punch lines! The flight attendant had to assist by pointing to the emergency exits with both hands, and then pointed to the comedian during the punch lines with both hands… Then, she held up a sign saying, “The captain has turned off the no laughing sign”.

Flight Attendant: You are free to laugh as much as you like in the cabin areas. For those of you who do not want to hear these jokes, we will be offering ear plugs for $5 per passenger. If you experience turbulance, it might be due to the fact that the people behind you are bouncing up and down with laughter. For the vegetarians on the plane, we have a choice of corny jokes, and tomatoes to throw at the comic if you don’t like the corny jokes.

Comedian: I wish my ex-girlfriend were here. She can’t stand me, but here she wouldn’t have a

Audience: (several look inquisitively at him)

Comedian: I wouldn’t want to be a proctologist at a place like this. How can you get hemeroids if you never sit down?

Vipool: Are you a proctologist?
Nuntheny: My uncle Ramesh is very constipated and needs to see a proctologist right away.
Shankar: My family doesn’t have this type of problem. Just have a bite of aunty’s
cooking, that will kill any infection and burn a hole through any hemeroid — or ulcer for that matter.

Comedian: Remind your aunty not to invite me for dinner.

Ramesh: I think I heard an anecdote about aunty’s cooking the last time I had
constipation. I was told the problem would be over in a few minutes. Just have three bites of
aunty’s dahl and everything will turn to mush. HOT going in… HOT going out…


Comedian: I guess you save money with a restaurant like this. You don’t have to hire a hostess to get people seated.

Comedian: If I commit a murder here, at least they won’t give me the chair!

Vipool: No danger in that, your jokes are not exactly killing right now.
Nuntheny: Oh no, please do not commit a murder!
Shankar: What are you talking about — kill Vishal over there — that BASTARD!

Comedian: It looks like if you like my jokes, I stand a high chance of getting a standing ovation.

Comedian: This is my first trip to India. I heard that you have arranged marriages here. I want to know if anyone had an arranged divorce.

Vipool: We don’t do it that way. See that bridge in the distance? If we don’t like the marriage, we just jump off. If we don’t die from the fall, we’ll die from ingesting the polluted water in the river.
Shankar: Or, we could end our marriage by jumping in front of a train. There is a good train track for that three blocks up, then take a left.
Comedian: Oh, it’s nice to know you have a choice!


Comedian: I noticed that at Indian toll booths, they use two attendants at each booth. If America would get its head screwed on correctly for once, we would realize that this is a very effective way to solve the unemployment problem overnight.

Comedian: I went to the hills and three people tried to sell me a hat all at once. They surrounded me and kept hounding me to buy a hat. I told them I already had a hat, but needed pineapple, chocolate, and a tour map. So, they disappeared, and came back to harrass me exactly 75 minutes later. All three of them started trying to get me to buy pineapple from them. I told them I had already eaten.

Comedian: I had trouble getting here tonight. I took a cab ride, but the cab driver who spoke fluent English, couldn’t understand my thick New York accent. So, I was forced to figure out a way for him to understand me. I tried speaking slowly. I tried writing everything down, but he couldn’t read English — he could only speak English. So, I decided to mirror his thick South Indian accent.

“Dear respected sir, I am very much in need of a ride to Rajeev Nagar near Patna Temple in Bangalore section 14 next to Uma’s bakery emporeum to Pati Pati restaurant.”

Audience: (Standing as they may be, the audience is finally on the floor roaring with laughter)

Vipool: Your Indian accent is so funny. It is hard to picture that sound coming out of your mouth! We were not expecting that.
Nuntheny: Your South Indian accent is so funny I can’t stand it anymore!
Shankar: Screw your lame jokes. You should come here every night and imitate us. You’ll make great tips. We just want to hear us the way you hear us.

Comedian: I hear you
Audience: (no reaction)
Comedian: (Thick South Indian accent) I HEAR you
Audience: ah ha ha ha …. ha ha ha….

(1) A stand up comedian at a stand up restaurant in India. “They can’t understand my New York accent!”
(2) The captain has turned off the no laughing sign, you are free to laugh in the cabin areas now

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One Response to Stand up comedian at a stand up restaurant in India

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