Category Archives: Humor

A call center that can break up with your boyfriend for you

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Think about it. This is very practical. People break up with their boyfriends all the time and its not easy to do. Some girls get so mad, they pay someone to beat up their boyfriend if he cheated on them. My opinion is that if you don’t like cheaters, stay away from them. They’re usually easy to spot based on their behavior.

These days, guys like Jimmy Fallon have people tweet the ways they broke up with their boyfriend. One guy was devastated because his girlfriend ended their relationship — with a text! Another guy broke up with his girlfriend on a ski-lift, and then the ski-lift got stuck for thirty minutes — awkward! But, imagine if you break up with your boyfriend by hiring a call center to do it for you?

AGENT: Hello, this is Sujata, may I speak to Jesse please?

JESSE: Hello, this is Jesse.

AGENT: I regret to inform you that your girlfriend wishes to break up with you.

JESSE: She what? I can’t believe this! I thought we were getting along so well. And I took her to the Paladium last week. She loved that.

AGENT: I see. Well, she probably did love that. As a matter of fact, let me check her notes here. Um, yes, she did mention something positive about the Paladium. Apparently that was something you did to make up for a list of 23 things you did which she did not care for.

JESSE: 23 things? I thought it was just my bad breath, and now it’s 23 things?

AGENT: Yes, you see, thing #6 is acting surprised when she tells you something that she has told you umteen times before. I’m not sure exactly what umteen means, but I imagine it is a mathematical figure indicating multiplicity.

JESSE: Yeah, something like that — whatever you said.

AGENT: Yes, and kindly listen to thing #4 which is that you get very upset whenever someone tells you something bad, and it comes as a surprise to you.

JESSE: Kind of like I’m acting now?

AGENT: Well, that is for you to decide.

JESSE: I should have taken her to the Paladium more often… and brushed my teeth too. Come to think of it, I should have created a database of things that were wrong with me on my iPhone so that I could fix them one by one.

AGENT: Yes, we recommend that with relationships, you should try to be in tune with the other person as much as possible and take notes. Listening is also on our list of vigilant practices.

JESSE: So, what do you do about issues with your boyfriend?

AGENT: Well, my husband gets cross with me if I repeat back what he said in a sarcastic tone of voice, so I have learned not to do this. Additionally, when my chapatis are not completely round, he gets all bent out of shape. I tried telling him that it will taste the same once ingested, but he wants them round — so round, they shall be.

JESSE: Chapatis? I’m not sure what that is, but he sounds like a picky dude.

AGENT: Thankfully, we have learned to live together. Perhaps you will find someone who you are able to live with as well. Now, it is time for our survey. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate this call.

JESSE: A survey? Okay 7…. No… 23.

AGENT: I’ll indicate that as 7. On a scale of one to ten, did I answer all of your questions to your satisfaction in clear and understandable English?

JESSE: The “mathematical figure indicating multiplicity” response really threw me. I’ll have to go with a 4 on that one.

AGENT: Well that is just as well as I’m asking you a quantity of questions which also seem to have multiplicity.

JESSE: Yeah, putting it in context really helps. But, I’m sad now, and don’t want to answer this survey.

AGENT: Oh, it won’t take long, there are only another… let me count… 23 questions.. oh, that’s your unlucky number.

JESSE: Yeah, you can say that again.

AGENT: Okay, well I’ll just put down that you politely refrained from responding to our excessively discursive questions.

JESSE: Okay, I’m going to mope now. Have a nice day, and tell your husband to enjoy his pachatis.

AGENT: I’ll do that!


It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a Call Center!

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PASSENGER: Hello? Hi, I need some snacks over here in h-1

AGENT: H-1, isn’t that a type of visa?

PASSENGER: For you maybe, but for me it’s my seat number. I’m kinda thirsty here.

AGENT: For root beer press 1, for ginger ale press 2, for coke press 3, for Pepsi press 4, for lemonade press 5, and for liquor press 6.

PASSENGER: They always wait till the last digit for the most relevant information. Gee, I thought I was talking to a live person. Tell you what. Skip the booze. Make it 3 for coke.

AGENT: Sorry, but we’re temporarily out of Coke.

PASSENGER: Okay, then 1, I’m in a root beer type of a mood.

AGENT: Okay, your root beer will be delivered to you in approximately…. oh, please hold.

(5 minutes later)

PASSENGER: Where’s my root beer? I’m completely dehydrated here.

AGENT: Sorry about that. I’ll need your 16 digit credit card number to purchase this transaction. Due to budget cuts, we’re only giving away Coke for free — and yes, that’s the one thing we are out of.

PASSENGER: Okay, I’m desperate. Now, what about movies?

AGENT: We have a choice of movies tonight. But, would you like to book your ground transportation? We can bring a printout for you and you can use it to get a cab at the airport without waiting and yes — without being put on hold.

PASSENGER: You are speaking my language. I’ll order a cab right now.

AGENT: Okay, I’ll get you a cab from LAX to your address in Century City. Will that be okay sir?


AGENT: There’s just one thing

PASSENGER: Not the thing where you put me on hold again?

AGENT: You are really psychic.

SARAH: (ring ring) Hi, I’d like to know who the guy is in H-1.

AGENT: His name is Roger and he’s very thirsty.

SARAH: Well, is he cute?

AGENT: I’m a guy, but I’m gay, and I would say that he’s semi-cute.

SARAH: Well, like what’s his number?

AGENT: I can arrange for you to meet him, but I can’t disclose his personal information any more than his name.

SARAH: I meant on a scale of one to ten.

AGENT: 6. And if I wasn’t gay… 5.

SARAH: Oh, and Where are you located?

AGENT: Sorry, I can’t disclose that.

SARAH: Really, I just heard the captain’s announcement on your end of the phone. Are you on the same plane as us?

AGENT: Oh, well, we’re not in India any more… so, I guess I can disclose my location. I’m just west of Los Angeles, near the Santa Monica Pier… okay, now more closer to Malibu.

SARAH: You’re funny. So ask Roger if he wants to meet me.

AGENT: Got it… (ring ring) Hi Roger. Sorry about putting you on hold for a second time. That is kind of our trademark over here. If you want to meet a foxy blonde press 1, if not then press 2, if you’re not sure then press 3.

PASSENGER: You’re not all out of foxy blondes, are you?

AGENT: No. Just Cokes.

PASSENGER: Okay, why not? While I’m waiting for my root beer I might as well. “1”

AGENT: If you want the foxy blonde to come to your seat press 1, if you want to go to her seat press 2.


AGENT: Disclaimer: if your root beer arrives while you’re out of your seat, it might have to be returned.

PASSENGER: Just deliver a note to the girl’s seat number for “Roger.” Now, what’s her seat number?

AGENT: To learn the girl’s seat number press 1, and then enter your credit card information again.

PASSENGER: You guys are such opportunists!

AGENT: Yeah, but it sure beats — and is so much faster too. But just like Match, when I ask you about how your relationship is going, you can say that it’s all up in the air.

PASSENGER: Good point… oh here’s my root beer. Okay, here’s my credit information — again.

AGENT: Now you’re ready to visit your new girlfriend in Q3 — an aisle seat. Oh, one more thing.

PASSENGER: Let me guess, you’re going to try to get me to use my credit card for a 3rd time to buy her a drink?

AGENT: Not exactly, but I like the way you think. We were going to try to sell you a pass to the express bathroom after you finish your drink. There’s is a really long line for the regular bathroom and the captain is about to turn on the fasten your seatbelt sign.

PASSENGER: Okay, this is getting to be the point where I hang up on you, but first let me see if I like the girl.

AGENT: One last thing. If you do want the pass to the bathroom, for number one, press 1.

Star Wars: Dearth Vader outsources an IT project to Tatooine!

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Please note that the characters and references in this article are based on American television and movies. If you are from a country that didn’t have our media presence, you might not understand who the characters are. As I was taking my afternoon walk, I fantasized about how interesting it would be if the main characters from Star Wars (1976) had dialogues resembling the ones in the American sitcom Seinfeld. As I walked, I thought that princess Leah would make a great Elaine from Seinfeld. Han Solo has the same sarcasm as Jerry. Luke unfortunately is too innocent and optimistic to be a Seinfeld character. Lando could be George. But, who would be Kramer. It could be Obi-Wan, or Darth Vader. Hmmm.

After the movie Star Wars was made. There were many changes in the galaxy, and in the Federation. Darth Vader got sick of being on the dark side of the force and just wanted a simpler life. Lando kept thinking of scams that could get him ahead at work. And Han Solo, just got more and more cynical about life.

LEAH: I can’t believe this happened. He said, it’s not you it’s me. I invented that. That’s my line. I should be the one who says it’s not you, it’s me.

HAN SOLO: Well, maybe in this case it really is him.

LANDO: I hate it when people say that. If they say it’s not you, its me — then it’s you. If they say — I think we should see other people, it means they already are.

DARTH VADER: You gotta see this. It’s a new spaceship. You gotta see the brochure. It’s only 500,000 federation dollars!

LANDO: Well, is it good on fuel efficiency?

DARTH: It doesn’t use fuel, it absorbs the energies of the universe around it.

HAN SOLO: Better steer clear of you when you wake up in the morning.

DARTH: I’m not a morning person.

HAN SOLO: I’d hate to hear how deep your voice is then.

DARTH: Hey Leah, guess what I just bought. It’s sitting on space dock #9

LEAH: That’s yours? Get OUT! (pushes Darth)

DARTH: Well, I need it. Ever since I left my military post, I’ve been running my own business doing droid programming outsourcing. Sometimes I need to go to Naboo and Tatooine to visit the programmers. In fact, I’ve got to go now before the exchange rates change.

LEAH: May the force be with you. The good side of the force, that is.

HAN SOLO: What’s the deal with this thing called the force? When you think about it, it’s a little creepy. I’m not sure I want the force being with me all the time. A little here, a little there when you need to get something done I can understand. But with you 24/7? I need my alone time. I need my space.

LEAH: This is Star Wars. We all need our space! That’s where we live.

HAN SOLO: And “force”. Right away, it conjures up doing something against my will.

LEAH: Okay, okay. May the… something short of force be with you, when you don’t need your space.

HAN SOLO: (to Darth) Speaking of needing your space, how come that face helmet you’re wearing doesn’t cramp your style?

DARTH: Don’t knock the face helmet, Han. The savings in breath mints alone makes it a worthy investment.

Darth takes off in his new space ship.

HAN SOLO: Thank God for breath mints. That’s a force I don’t need with me.

Leah nods her head in agreement. Cut to Darth and Vipool in programming.

DARTH: Hey Vipool, how’s it coming with the programming for R2D2?

VIPOOL: Oh sorry. My programmer who specialized in R2 units just got poached by Infosys. My other guys only specialize in Androids and mobile apps.

DARTH: Well, now what am I supposed to do? I could just strangle that guy while breathing heavily through my black mask!

VIPOOL: I just dig your new space ship. Does it still have that new space ship smell?

DARTH: Ooh baby. You know it. Maybe you should have some type of a contract with those programmers to make sure they don’t get poached.

VIPOOL: The only ones who would sign it are ones who I don’t want to keep anyway. It’s a bit like dating.

DARTH: Tell me about it. My love life has sucked ever since puberty kicked in and my voice changed.

VIPOOL: It’s hard to imagine you without a deep voice.

DARTH: Oh, I had a deep voice at birth. At puberty, it changed to the lilting soprano you hear now.

VIPOOL: You call that a lilting soprano?

DARTH: Compared to my voice at birth, bingo.

VIPOOL: So, how are we going to get a new programmer for R2?

DARTH: What do you mean how are WE. How are YOU? If you don’t get a replacement soon, I might be tempted to return to the dark side of the force.

VIPOOL: Chelsea Handler is better off there on her own. I can put a junior R2 programmer on the task tomorrow. Do you want one resource or two?

DARTH: If he’s a junior programmer, he’s more of a liability than a resource. Use the force, Vipool.

OBI-WAN: Darth. I know you’ve come a long way since you struck me down. I will help you. I will help you find a new R2 programmer who specializes in droid migration technologies. The force will be with you.

DARTH: I feel a presence that I haven’t felt in a very long time. Obi-Wan. My teacher. You have come to help me! Wait. The answer is coming to me. I need to outsource my project to a different star system. I am feeling it now. The moon on Yavin — yes, they will have R2 programmers there, and the exchange rate will be one Federation dollar for every 3.5 Yavinese Dinars. I will fly there immediately.

HAN SOLO: Why do people make the jump to hyper-space? Half the time, people haven’t even analyzed the coordinates to see where they’re going. It’s like telling Siri, “Take me frickin’ anywhere.”

LEAH: Siri. Didn’t you used to date her?

HAN SOLO: Yeah. She’s great at giving directions, but wasn’t great at taking them.

LEAH: I can’t believe it. The Death Star’s plumbing system is being completely overhauled. There’s never a good plumber when you need one.

HAN SOLO: Didn’t you date a plumber once?

LEAH: Like I said, there’s never a good plumber when you need one.

LANDO: I have to go down there to renew my intergallactic driver’s license. Believe it or now, I”m authorized to fly a ship up to 10,000 metric tons. I lied on the application. I told them I had five years experience flying medium sized ships.

LEAH: Why do they still call it the Death Star? Since Darth turned to the good side of the force, it’s become just like a regular place.

LANDO: Too expensive changing the name on all the Death Star tchotchkes.

This short satire ends with Darth going to a new star system and hiring new programmers. Yavin’s moon has programmers who don’t have any aspiration to get married. They aren’t attracted by the status of working for a big company. They’re just happy working for the same company year after year. And since the average inhabitant of Yavin’s moon lives to be 392.5 years old, the average worker has several human lifetimes of experience before they retire. Including being phased out by employers who fire them when they reach 265 for cheaper labor. Darth Vader had used the force to find programming staff that were the smartest in the universe. These did NOT include any TV network programmers! Thus ends this episode of Star Wars with Seinfeld type rules!

Stand up comedian at a stand up restaurant in India

Categories: Humor, Popular Posts | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Well, what do you know? A stand up restaurant! I wonder if anyone ever considered having a stand up comedian perform at this stand up restaurant. I’m a stand up guy. Maybe I’ll improvise a routine right now. I wonder if anyone will mind. Let’s try.

Comedian: This is a great crowd!

Audience: (glances briefly at him)
Comedian: Something interesting happened to me on the way to the show today. I was on a flight from Singapore to Bangalore, and I decided to do a little comedy. I did a take off on take offs. But, the sound of the engines was so loud, that nobody heard the punch lines! The flight attendant had to assist by pointing to the emergency exits with both hands, and then pointed to the comedian during the punch lines with both hands… Then, she held up a sign saying, “The captain has turned off the no laughing sign”.

Flight Attendant: You are free to laugh as much as you like in the cabin areas. For those of you who do not want to hear these jokes, we will be offering ear plugs for $5 per passenger. If you experience turbulance, it might be due to the fact that the people behind you are bouncing up and down with laughter. For the vegetarians on the plane, we have a choice of corny jokes, and tomatoes to throw at the comic if you don’t like the corny jokes.

Comedian: I wish my ex-girlfriend were here. She can’t stand me, but here she wouldn’t have a

Audience: (several look inquisitively at him)

Comedian: I wouldn’t want to be a proctologist at a place like this. How can you get hemeroids if you never sit down?

Vipool: Are you a proctologist?
Nuntheny: My uncle Ramesh is very constipated and needs to see a proctologist right away.
Shankar: My family doesn’t have this type of problem. Just have a bite of aunty’s
cooking, that will kill any infection and burn a hole through any hemeroid — or ulcer for that matter.

Comedian: Remind your aunty not to invite me for dinner.

Ramesh: I think I heard an anecdote about aunty’s cooking the last time I had
constipation. I was told the problem would be over in a few minutes. Just have three bites of
aunty’s dahl and everything will turn to mush. HOT going in… HOT going out…


Comedian: I guess you save money with a restaurant like this. You don’t have to hire a hostess to get people seated.

Comedian: If I commit a murder here, at least they won’t give me the chair!

Vipool: No danger in that, your jokes are not exactly killing right now.
Nuntheny: Oh no, please do not commit a murder!
Shankar: What are you talking about — kill Vishal over there — that BASTARD!

Comedian: It looks like if you like my jokes, I stand a high chance of getting a standing ovation.

Comedian: This is my first trip to India. I heard that you have arranged marriages here. I want to know if anyone had an arranged divorce.

Vipool: We don’t do it that way. See that bridge in the distance? If we don’t like the marriage, we just jump off. If we don’t die from the fall, we’ll die from ingesting the polluted water in the river.
Shankar: Or, we could end our marriage by jumping in front of a train. There is a good train track for that three blocks up, then take a left.
Comedian: Oh, it’s nice to know you have a choice!


Comedian: I noticed that at Indian toll booths, they use two attendants at each booth. If America would get its head screwed on correctly for once, we would realize that this is a very effective way to solve the unemployment problem overnight.

Comedian: I went to the hills and three people tried to sell me a hat all at once. They surrounded me and kept hounding me to buy a hat. I told them I already had a hat, but needed pineapple, chocolate, and a tour map. So, they disappeared, and came back to harrass me exactly 75 minutes later. All three of them started trying to get me to buy pineapple from them. I told them I had already eaten.

Comedian: I had trouble getting here tonight. I took a cab ride, but the cab driver who spoke fluent English, couldn’t understand my thick New York accent. So, I was forced to figure out a way for him to understand me. I tried speaking slowly. I tried writing everything down, but he couldn’t read English — he could only speak English. So, I decided to mirror his thick South Indian accent.

“Dear respected sir, I am very much in need of a ride to Rajeev Nagar near Patna Temple in Bangalore section 14 next to Uma’s bakery emporeum to Pati Pati restaurant.”

Audience: (Standing as they may be, the audience is finally on the floor roaring with laughter)

Vipool: Your Indian accent is so funny. It is hard to picture that sound coming out of your mouth! We were not expecting that.
Nuntheny: Your South Indian accent is so funny I can’t stand it anymore!
Shankar: Screw your lame jokes. You should come here every night and imitate us. You’ll make great tips. We just want to hear us the way you hear us.

Comedian: I hear you
Audience: (no reaction)
Comedian: (Thick South Indian accent) I HEAR you
Audience: ah ha ha ha …. ha ha ha….

(1) A stand up comedian at a stand up restaurant in India. “They can’t understand my New York accent!”
(2) The captain has turned off the no laughing sign, you are free to laugh in the cabin areas now

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Business Names Ending in “Solution” Sound Funny

Categories: Humor | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

India is filled with funny sounding outsourcing business names. TEX Solution, Indotech Solution, etc. Only one solution? Most companies who wish to hire you will need solution(s) to more than one problem. I suggest that you go to the consonant store and buy a consonant! Buy an “s”.

“May I purchase an s?”
“Sorry, we’re all out of s’s”
“No wonder Indian companies typically don’t have an ‘s’ at the end of the word solution”
“No, that’s not it. Many of them lack grammatical competency”

The next thing is your phone number
That is very hard to read. It is much classier and harder to make a dialing mistake if you break the number up.
(91) 9335-5235 or 939-335-5235 would be a more American system of breaking the number up. Two sets of three numbers separated with hyphens with a final set of four digits.

What do you put in the language field?
english, hindi, gujrati

Why not put
English, Hindi, Gujarati
Spell everything as well as you can and capitalize proper nouns please! Remember, if American companies are looking over your profile, they will not like it if they see grammar errors!

Good luck renaming your outsourcing company names.
In the mean time.
I have to go.
I have an interview with Jake from J Solution.

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Developing the CEO within — a spiritual guide!

Categories: Humor, Semi-Popular | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Developing the CEO within!

It all sounds so spiritual. Look within young one! But, what if you don’t have a CEO within? If you run a small business, you are a CEO. You have to make executive decisions, but you might not make them like a professional. Sometimes it is good to ask, “If I were a real CEO, what would I do now?” You might ignore the problem entirely because it was small instead of getting all worked up about it. Or you might find a long range plan of solving the problem in a way that enhances your business model. Just finding quick fix solutions to problems is not very CEO-ish if you ask me!

How to develop your CEO consciousness
First, meditate on the Buddha for four hours a day, fast for a month, and then ask me. Just kidding! If you give yourself simulated business problems, or interact with other people who have business problems, you begin to train your mind how to think three dimensionally about business issues. The more you think and hear how other people handle problems, the smarter you will be.

Reading books and magazines?
In my opinion, books and magazines are often very general about how they handle business issues. Media is concerned with huge acquisitions, and text books are concerned with theoretical issues that professors like to think about. A PhD in Microeconomics might not help you as much as hanging around on the street and seeing real business being done. I’m not discouraging you from reading books and magazines, but they rarely touch upon real life issues which are pertinent to you. It is better to experience problems first hand and talk to others who are a few steps up the evolutionary ladder than you are to learn how they would handle it.

Who would you learn better from?
If you could give me a choice of two business mentors, who would I choose? One has a double PhD from Yale, the other is a Mafia Boss. That’s a no-brainer (or a no-knee-capper). Mafia bosses not only understand a lot about business, but they understand human nature too. They know how to make people loyal to them, and need them. They have close knit extended families which gives them a wide net of connections. They know how to make relationships and develop them over Italian coffee and Tuscany white wine. They know how to assert their dominance better than most professors (but, I really shouldn’t generalize). They also know how to break relationships (and legs). They know how to pay people enough so they are not hated, but not so much, that those people no longer need them. They know a lot about competitive analysis (and making the competition leave town) as well. Proper grammar might not be their forte, but “You’s guys don’t need no grammar anyways”

Blogs can sometimes be the best business education
I love to read Harvard Business Review and Marketingprofs blogs. Sure, the content matter is not always applicable to my business, but I can learn some quick management and marketing facts that can change my business in five minutes or less. Reading a blog cannot get you into business, but it might be able to teach you a few tips how to do better if you are already afloat.

If you had a lemonade stand or lawn mowing business as a kid, your journey to CEO-hood has been sprouting for years now. There is hope for you. For your kids, ask them business questions and make them think. They might evolve into the next super-mogul all because of your help.

Anyway, “You’s guys have a nice night — capiche?”

(capiche is Sicilian for — “understand?”)

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An American teaches Indian co’s to be more American

Categories: Humor | Tagged | Leave a comment

Being more Westernized doesn’t win the game. Being more dependable wins the game. Indians think that if they replace their sari with Western wear that they suddenly become more sophisticated. In my experience it is the opposite. The smartest Indians I met have been the more traditional educated ones. Not the real Westernized ones, or the fake Westernized ones. But, in any case, our American friend Joe goes to India to help them fit in more with American clients. He gives lectures on the culture, and what people feel comfortable with. He made “before” and “after” videos to document his work.

Rajeev answers in a dull hello. He looks sleepy and unenthusiastic. He says, “Manager not here” and hangs up. End of video…

Rajeev goes to the gym for a few months, gets pepped up. He learns the art of interaction and small talk. He gets an answering machine that announces his business name too (which is rare for Indian companies). He is ready for business. He gets back to people promptly, he is enthusiastic, speaks clearly, and he always lets people know his name when he answers the phone in an up-beat type of way. What an improvement. The new Rajeev is the type of guy Americans want to hire!

“Hi this is Rajeev, may I help you? … Sure, I can help you with that problem, just wait while I email the programmer and we will get back to you in six hours on this issue.”
(end of video) Wow! What a change!

Gone too far
Some of Joe’s other clients went a little too far in their quest to be acceptable to American companies. Sundip changes his name to Steve Smith, got a fake Texas accent, and put heavy metal music on his answering machine. Very inappropriate for a business setting. He answers the phone using American slang and colloquial expressions which are completely inappropriate for business as well.

“He man, this is jazzy Steve Smith — how’s it swinging!” Oh my god, what did Joe teach this guy? Perhaps Sundip went off on a tangent without Joe’s knowledge?

Back to tradition
Meanwhile in Aleppi, Kerela, Praveen has decided to be professional, without losing his Indian roots. So, he makes a video of his company. He goes to work on an elephant while having a very intense business discussion on his mobile phone. He is wearing a fancy traditional Indian outfit and he is all about business. But, he gets to his office, and someone else’s smaller elephant is parked in HIS elephant’s parking spot. He calls the office and says, “Get Rajesh out here — he is NOT to park in my parking spot. He is only the assistant manager, his elephant must park someone else”. Then, Praveen gives you a tour of his office. His workers are all working fervently wearing very elaborate traditional clothing, and then all stop abruptly. They all get up and start singing a song and doing a Bollywood dance to some very loud film music. Then it ends and they go back to fervently working. Praveen is trying to say, “This is what working with my company in India is really like.” In a movie, it might be like that, but in real life, it probably isn’t. But, honestly, Praveen is the most entertaining person you could outsource your work to, and probably the hardest working too! Teacher Joe finally got back to Praveen and was baffled. Culturally Praveen was as Indian as you can get while maintaining communication that was crystal clear; His work was always impeccable and punctual; his staff was pleasant; and everything else was perfect. Joe said, “This is not what I was thinking of at first, but maybe this can work”

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How to get outsourcing work without lifting a finger

Categories: Humor, Semi-Popular | Tagged | Leave a comment

“Myron, are you up yet????” yells a woman’s voice.

“Sure, sis. Yeah, I’m getting dressed.” An obvious lie…but why not? Whose company is it anyway?

You live outside the U.S., in the Philippines, let’s say–but want to entice U.S. companies into using your BPO services. You’ve chosen a snappy company name and a logo, have a mobile phone, and absolutely no work. You have a trusted group of friends who are now your employees…but again, you have no work, so you really can’t test out how this new relationship will go. In the meantime, you come downstairs and lie on the sofa after you are dressed, and maybe you watch the news or a few cartoons.

“Myron, what are you going to do with yourself today? Are you going to get listed on Are you going to call your prospective client list? Are you going to search the internet for more clients? Are you going to call a few people you know who might need you to do some accounting or office work? Are you going to at least visit other BPO companies and pretend to want to hire them so you can snoop around?”

So you lie back on the sofa and watch a few shows. Your sister goes to work and you lie there. Soon she comes back for lunch and sees you lying there…

“MYRON!!! Here’s the trash. At least take the trash out. And go buy the paint for the guest room so you can make it into an office. Here’s 2000 pesos. Don’t come back with that same lazy, depressed attitude. You’ve got to DO something!!! So take out the garbage and get the paint. Then you can…” and she goes on and on and on.

Sure, without lifting a finger, you’ll get work, but not the kind of work that a positive attitude, energy, and diligence will bring. Anyway, what your sister is giving you are chores, not work.

Not BPO work.

Notice I didn’t call this blog “How to get hired by a serious U.S. company without lifting a finger.”

THAT takes work. (:

(1) You have a snappy company name & logo, but no work. What do you do? #outsourcing
(2) Sure, without lifting a finger you’ll et work, but not the kind of work you get with a positive attitude!

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Casual day at a call center in India!

Categories: Call Center, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Casual Day in an Indian Call Center
This is my sense of humor I guess.  My favorite show is Outsourced which takes a deeper look at the many issues effecting the lives of call center workers in India as well as Americans living in India. I relate to this because I have spent many months in India and have gone through all of the cultural issues, dyssentary, monsoons, etc.
My skit idea is that the manager of an Indian call center named John wants his employees to become more comfortable with the American culture, so he calls America and asks his manager what to do.  The senior manager, Chuck in California says that they should do things like Americans do.  Have an office party once in a while, have casual Friday, have personal days, and do as many things as they can like people do in America.
So, John decides to have casual Friday.  I am thinking of Rajiv Gidwani from Outsourced reluctantly saying, “Okay workers, listen up… today we will be having casual Friday, I personally don’t like the idea, but I was talked into it by our senior manager”. The real life Rajiv hates anything casual and loves the corporate power image with suits and formality.  So, John tells the workers, that they can dress how they like:  in jeans or casual clothing, and that they can even bring their animals to work, since thats what many companies in California allow!  In California, in some of the film industry offices, people will bring dogs to work for example. 
Finally, casual Friday comes after a long 96 hours of waiting!
Anita brings her Chihuahua.  Naren brings his pet rat.  Girish brings a baby cat.  Manish brings a peacock.  Sanjiv brings a monkey. Santosh brings a cow.  And Nuntheny brings the baby elephant from aunty’s temple down the street.  John says, I’m so happy that you are adapting to our American ways.  It makes  much more relaxing atmosphere when you bring your pets, doesn’t it?  The workers agree. 
But, John becomes disturbed at the type of animals that were brought in.  They don’t seem like “pets”. 
John: Anita, I love your little dog, he is so cute…., but Naren.. a rat?  A rat is not a pet.
Naren: For me its  a pet.  We have so many of them in India and they are so cute with their little beady eyes.
John: A peacock?  Don’t those belong outside?  Don’t they make this loud hooping sound any time there is noise?
Manish:  Oh, he is our family pet, and after all, today is casual Friday, so we must bring our pets.  I love Sally my peacock.  Sally… don’t listen to what John has to say, he doesn’t understand you!
John: Sanjiv, I love your monkey, but monkeys are mischevious animals. 
Sanjiv:  No, not my monkey, he is wonderful. He never misbehaves.  By the way John?  That banana on your desk?  Its not going to last long, better put it in a drawer.
John: Nuntheny, I love your mini elephant.  He is so….
Nuntheny: He? He… is NOT a he… its a She
John:  Oh, I’m sorry. 
Nuntheny:  You should be!  How would you like it if people mistook you for a lady?   There there Laxmi, John didn’t really mean what he said. You’re a real lady… here…have a banana… Good girl.
John:  Hmmm, this attempt at learning American culture is not working out as I expected. I was thinking more along the lines of dogs and maybe a cat here or there.  Perhaps a hampster.
Nuntheny:  Well, in India we have different types of pets.
John:  Anyway, break is over its time for work.
—— TRUMPET sound….  MOOOOOO….  woof ..woof…woof.  hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo…

John calling Chuck:  Chuck… these Americanization ideas like casual Friday? 
Chuck:  How is it going?  I love casual Friday
John:  It’s not working as planned.  When they are making calls, they can’t hear the customers with all the trumpeting sounds of the elephant, the moo sounds, and the peacock starts hooting every time there is a sudden sound.
Chuck:  Oh my god, it sounds like a zoo!
John:  Yes, thats the word I was looking for. 
Chuck:  Hmmm.  Lets change the plan a bit. We’ll have Sari Thursdays and Jeans Fridays.  That way we can have the best of both cultures without all of the sound effects.
John:  Yes Chuck  (trumpet sound of elephant), I am hearing you (bark bark)… trying to hear you…I’m not sure how good I would look in a sari though. Thats my only concern.
Chuck: Don’t worry John, ONE SIZE FITS ALL!!!!

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Tribal people on Facebook

Categories: Humor, Social Media | Leave a comment

Sally and Jeff had dreamed of visiting the remote islands of Indonesia. Finally, their dream came true. But, the dream turned into a nightmare as the ship they were on sank, and they had to swim to the nearest island which was not that near. They almost died trying to make it to that island and when they got there, it was not inhabited. Sally and Jeff were suburban American types. They didn’t know how to make rafts or survive on an island. To stay alive they had to learn how to shake coconuts from trees and create shelter from the rain which got out of hand. They stayed on that island for ten years as they didn’t want to risk death and as nobody came to rescue them. But, then they grew restless and wanted to escape their fate. They didn’t want to die alone on this island.

So, they put together a basic raft. They agreed that perhaps they would live and perhaps they would die, but who cares. Their life was so boring anyway. After paddling for a few days, their water and food was almost all used up. They became weak and just lay around all day. During their sleep a tribal group paddling type of a canoe found them. The communication between the tribal people and our American friends was not so graceful as Jeff was not fluent in “Ooga-Booga.”

The tribal people took them to shore, and gave them food and shelter. Sally and Jeff thanked them and made head nodding gestures to show their sincerity. After Sally and Jeff recuperated, it was time for a feast and then for show and tell in Ooga-Booga-nese as usual.

SALLY: Thanks so much for a lovely feast. (rubbing her belly)

TRIBAL GUY: You look… Facu-booga.

SALLY: I have never heard of Facu-booga

Now, keep in mind that Sally and Jeff have been out of circulation for so many years, they have no idea what an i-phone is or what Facebook is. The only Zuckerberg they know is a nice accountant back home.

TRIBAL GUY: Look…. i-phonoo

SALLY: Hmmm (looking inquisitively) I have never seen a device like this. I wonder what it does? She touched a button and there was a sudden flash. Sally jolted back in surprize. The tribal guys all laughed. Then Sally squinted, and sniffed this strange device. Finally one of the tribal guys took a selfie and showed Sally the photo on the screen. Sally said, “wow” and was very impressed.

TRIBAL GUY: You likoo…

JEFF: I’m sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about.

Then, the tribal guy put his finger in the air as if to say “wait!” Another tribal guy showed up. The other tribal people were all wearing tribal looking outfits, and were 80% naked. But, this new guy was dressed in an oxford shirt and had a short haircut. Could it be that he went to school in a nearby Anglo town wherever this place was? They were actually in a tribal part of Papua New Guinea and in fact there was a nearby Anglo town.

YOUNG TRIBAL GUY: Hello mates. What my mates were trying to ask you was if you could like them on Facebook?

JEFF: Sure, but what is Facebook?

YOUNG TRIBAL GUY: You’ve never heard of Facebook? Where have you been for the last ten years?

JEFF: We’ve been stuck on a tropical island with no electricity and with coconuts and fish as our only source of nourishment.

YOUNG TRIBAL GUY: Oh, no wonder mate. Well, I can get you set up on Facebook right away, and we’ll have some Ozzie food liike shrimps on the barbee. Does that appeal to your Sheila?

JEFF: I think of her as more of a Sally than a Sheila, but yes, that sounds great. I would love to eat shrimp and start a Facebook account now that I know I’m not going to die soon.

A tale of a Rabbi and a Psychic who both gave business advice

Categories: Humor | Tagged , | Leave a comment

One businessman went to a very famous Rabbi.
He asked how he could be come a big potato. He had a small business, and wanted it to grow into a larger business, so he could go from being a small potato, to being a big potato.

The rabbi pulled gently on his long talmudic beard. He said, Hmmm a few times. He gazed at the ceiling, then his eyes shifted to the left of the room. He crinkled his face as he pondered. After about five minutes of deep reflection, he responded.

“If you want to become a bigger potato, put more dirt around you.”

Then, our businessman thanked the rabbi profusely for these wise thoughts.

The businessman liked the Rabbi’s advice, but wanted a SECOND OPINION. In business, you can never be too safe, when getting advice. So, the businessman went to his psychic.
The businessman asked the same question about how to become a big potato. The psychic gave the man very different advice. Equally thoughtful, but very much more specific.

The psychic said that he needs to worry about the competition in the next town over — otherwise he will get fried and become a potato chip!

The businessman was very impressed, but both of his advisors, and now went to a sales consultant for yet another opinion. He told the consultant that he had little clients, but wanted bigger clients. The sales consultant told him that little clients can become big clients if you FERTILIZE them. If you help your little clients get rich by giving them great service, they will refer all of their friends to you, and be loyal to you for life! What could be better than that! They will love you! And if they don’t become rich, they will love you for life because of all of the great service you gave them over the years.

Trick-or-Treater wearing Ann Handley costume knocks on my door

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This entry is purely fictional as nobody in my neighborhood goes trick or treating except to units advertising that they are “open” for Halloween.

It was a dark and windy night. Little kids kept coming to our door with expectant faces longing for an endless acquisition of candy. It all seemed so obsessive compulsive, and all at such a tender young age. A few witches, goblins, skeletons, cowboys, and others who looked like miniature members of “The Village People” came knocking. It was all so typical. I had seen it for so many decades. Nothing seemed to change.

Then a few minutes later, a girl came in very distinctive, tell-tale black glasses — the same exact kind Ann Handley wears in her pictures and uses in her graphics for social media posts. The girl was wearing the same shawl that Ann Handley wore in pictures too. What was this? Was this an eighth grader’s idea of a costume?

ME: Young lady, aren’t you a little young to be an Ann Handley look-alike?

GIRL: Well, actually, in my age group, statistically 2.3% of the market segments of eighth graders from my parent’s income bracket in my town and similar towns in California are interested in marketing including sub-segments of Social Media Marketing, B2B, email marketing, and other marketing specialties.

ME: Well, you certainly know your metrics.

GIRL: Those are segments, not metrics. However, I learned that in this neighborhood, 43.2% of homes will open their doors for trick-or-treaters between the hours of 7pm and 8:45pm, but what we call the “bounce rate” starts rising gradually after that.

ME: I guess one of us did her homework! So, what’s your favorite neighborhood to go trick-or-treating, metrics aside?

GIRL: I like the neighborhood directly East of here. They are mostly Mexican and often offer SALSA & CHIPS to trick or treaters. Unfortunately, one played a trick on us and put some habanero sauce and mixed it in the salsa without warning us.

ME: Interesting. Well, I have asked you some questions. Would you like to ask me any?

GIRL: Yes, I have walked several blocks to get to your area. I’m tired, exhausted, and have lost my will to bang on doors anymore. Now that I am in your doorway, my only question is — WILL THERE BE SNACKS?– or treats?

ME: It is uncanny how similar you are to Ann Handley. Her two obsessions in life seem to be fun marketing articles that appeal to people’s emotions, that are fun, easy to read, and packed with meaningful marketing knowledge. Her other obsessions is asking, “Will there be snacks?”

GIRL: Well, you know us eighth graders, our teachers make us do a lot of reading.

ME: Interesting. Well, you will be very interested in the types of treats I have. Since I’m tired of young children who want a happy Halloween experience — since that is NOT what this holiday is supposed to be about: I have Habanero potato chips. Wanna bag?

GIRL: Hmm. Well, I lived through it once. I was thinking more along the lines of Snickers.

ME: Well, speaking of chocolate, not that you brought that to my attention, I had habanero dark chocolate from wine country. I was going to buy the cabernet chocolate, but I thought I’d get this instead to spice things up a little too much.

GIRL: You’re getting warmer.

ME: I also have wasabe chips and … oh look here. I do have a Snickers bar. It is in the pumpkin here on the table.

GIRL: Okay (reaching… )

A horrifying hand that is disfigured, oozing with ooze, and very bony with long fingernails sticks out of the pumpkin.

GIRL: (Shrieks) Ahhhhhhhh!

The girl bolted and ran so fast, that all that remained, was a pair of distinctive Ann Handley style black glasses on the ground. Miraculously, they were not broken. They survived this 14 year old marketing virtuoso, and the fall to the ground. And so ends my charming Halloween marketing tale. Until next time!