Category Archives: Humor

Suicide hotline
Help people who are committing suicide to change their mind.

Is there too much competition for technical support and appointment setting? Want to do something a little more interesting? There are many companies and government agencies looking to outsource suicide hotline service. Just make sure you train your employees well, or the result might not be so good!

AGENT: Hello this is Sujata from suicide hotline, how may I help you?

FRANK: It’s not worth it anymore. I’m going to end it all now.

AGENT: Oh I see. On a scale of 1 to 10, how strong is your desire to commit suicide?

FRANK: Let me give you a hint, I’m standing at the edge of a 200 foot high bridge overlooking a large river.

AGENT: Hmm. Sorry, I’m new here, let me look this up. Rivers… Ummm. Let me ask someone. Hey Ramesh, what would rivers be on a scale of 1 to 10?

RAMESH: Um, just consult the manual. Here.

AGENT: It says nothing about rivers. I read the whole thing and know it by heart.

RAMESH: Just make up a number or ask Sanjay after he’s back from break.

AGENT: Can you just stay there on that bridge. We are waiting for our manager to come back from lunch.

FRANK: No trouble, I’m not in a huge hurry. It’s not like I have anything to do with my life anymore anyway — which is why I’m ending it.

(10 minutes later)

SANJAY: Oh, I didn’t realize you hadn’t been trained yet.

AGENT: Well, you see I was, but they did not cover rivers. If someone is going to jump into a river from a high elevation, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much would that be?

SANJAY: It depends on their intention. If they really mean to do it, that is probably a 10. But, if they are just bluffing, perhaps a 6.

AGENT: Oh, in that case I’ll transfer it to Ajay. He specializes in level 6 and 7 calls. Hello Frank? Am I pronouncing your name right?

FRANK: Yes, that’s right. While I’m still alive at least.

AGENT: I’m going ot transfer you to someone who specializes in level 7. Don’t go anywhere.

FRANK: You’re putting me on hold? That’s what my girlfriend did to me which got me into that whole…. (pause — on hold)

AJAY: Hello this is Ajay, may I help you? (pause) Hello? Are we having a bad connection? Hello? Let me transfer you back.

AGENT: Yes Frank, on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate our customer service. Hello? Oh, he must have jumped. Maybe they should teach me more about how to handle the 7’s.

.

I wrote a blog article on this topic a few years ago. I wanted to do another version of it since it was so popular.

I had a friend in Bangalore who liked to go to this vegetarian place. I noticed that there was no place to sit down. Everyone ate standing up. So, I thought it would be kind of comical if a stand up comedian did his routine at one of these stand up restaurants.

RAMESH: The food is so bad here I can’t stand it — but, I have no choice.

COMEDIAN: You’re right. And you can’t protest either by having a sit in.

RAMESH: If I were a hippy, I could have a be-in or a love-in, while simultaneously having a stand-in.

COMEDIAN: Yeah — you can say, “I won’t sit down until I get what I want — let’s start with a comfy chair.”

RAMESH: Exactly. I heard in Japan, rent is so expensive, that at small eateries, you have to eat standing up just like here. Only in Japan, after exactly six minutes they kick you out — so eat fast.

COMEDIAN: Yeah, those ramen take a while to eat. The broth is so hot, plus those shrimp cakes get stuck in my teeth. I really need to start flossing more.

SUJATA: Once I went to a place where the seats were bolted down so close to each other, I got stuck between two of the chairs. They had to use a rupe to pry me loose — I joked that they were flossing me out.

COMEDIAN: Boy, I hope the chairs didn’t get a cavity from having you there too long.

SUJATA: I was out quick, but if I were in charge I’d give those chairs a root canal. That’s why I eat here. At least I won’t get stuck, plus the rotis are good.

COMEDIAN: I was at a street food restaurant last week. Every day they have a different type of bread. I asked if they were rotating rotis. They didn’t get the joke. They said, “No — today chapati.” I said, “Never mind.”

SUJATA: Also, restaurants like this save money. They don’t need a hostess to seat you.

COMEDIAN: You’re right. Do they have a young lady asking where can she stand you?

RAMESH: Last time I went, the hostess asked HOW she could stand me. I said, “I’m really easy to get along with actually.”

COMEDIAN: Well, I like these stand up restaurants because I’m a stand up kind of guy.

SUJATA: And thank you for not asking stupid questions about our arranged marriage system.

COMEDIAN: I don’t have to — I’ve got it all figure out now. But, do you also have arranged divorces?

RAMESH: Actually, I’ll tell you a funny story about that. My friend Shankar has a housemate who is a young lady who is not very traditional.

COMEDIAN: Maybe he should get a more traditional female housemate

RAMESH: You see, a traditional lady would not be a housemate to begin with as that violates tradition.

COMEDIAN: Oh, got it. Kind of like a pimp with a health plan.

RAMESH: Something like that. So, after ten years Shankar’s friend Vipool said to him, “Isn’t it time to get married?” The irony is that his friend who has been married for ten years lives in separate rooms with his wife and hardly ever talks to her. They are more like designated roommates than married people. Shankar replied that he lives with woman in separate bedrooms who he barely talks to and Vipool does the same — so what’s the difference. Vipool replied — “Gee, I never saw it that way before, you are right, the end result is the same.”

SUJATA: I beg to differ. An arranged marriage is like a designated roommate system, but one in which you have children with the roommate.

COMEDIAN: I may be a comedian, but having children with your roommate is no laughing matter.

SUJATA: You are right, but at least in India, children normally have two biological parents while in the U.S. only 27% of children do.

COMEDIAN: You have a good point. On a final note, I would caution Indians from having too many children with their roommates otherwise there won’t be room in their flat to eat — unless they eat standing up like we do here. You’ve been a great crowd. Good night!

VIPOOL: Hey, I heard you were talking about me. Well, now we have an alternative to an arranged marrige. It is an abridged marriage. If you don’t like the marriage, well, see that bridge over there? I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

Have you ever played paint ball or seen it on television? It’s actually a dangerous game. You have to wear safety goggles or the paint can take an eye out. People run around in the woods, hide, and them ambush each other with guns that fire paint balls. I guess some people just have the need to be in a war from time to time. Personally, I’m satisfied with a good hike or walk at the beach, but that’s just me.

My partner thought it would be more fun if you could play paint ball where the enemy is dressed like your boss or who looks like your boss. That might be an attractive game for many. It might even be healthy to get your aggression out at your boss so that you can be more peaceful in the workplace. But, is it really healthy to have that hostility towards your boss to begin with? Should you get a raise if you defeat the guy dressed like your boss at paintball? Or maybe it would be better if you would be partners with the guy who looks like your boss — that way if you cooperate you both win.

In real life, it is better to be on the same team as your boss, otherwise the relationship is doomed towards failure. But, work stress as it is, no matter what you do, nothing would be worse than being partners with your boss’s wife — unless you’re really looking for trouble! Of course if you were George Costanza, you would probably get caught at an inopportune moment dating the boss’s daughter and then pretend you didn’t know that they were related.

GEORGE : “You — him… He’s your father? Ha! I never would’ve known. No really, I never would have guessed. You don’t look a bit like him. No family resemblence. None — absolutely none! Absolutely none whatsoever! But, you do have the last name though. Yeah, I noticed that. But, I didn’t think anything of it.

BOSS: You were with my daughter in a stall in the men’s bathroom? What in hell were you doing together there?

GEORGE: Well, you see there’s a very logical explanation for all this really.

BOSS: You know something — I just don’t want to hear it. George — you’re fired!

GEORGE: Fired? Oh… any chance for a little leeway here, you know, with Christmas and all?

BOSS: Get out!

“There’s no place like Google, There’s no place like Google” was a line in the Internship about a school that Google created for its interns. In the movie, there was a weird outdoor game where people rode broomsticks like witches and tossed a ball around. I loved that because it was so childish, delightful and creative. But, the most creative thing was all the weird terms they created that were integral to the game which is called Quidditch. There were terms such as quaffles, bludgers, snitches, and seekers.

But, how can you make your company culture more like Google’s? Should you make up some weird words?

A samosa seventeener…
Research shows it is good to take breaks regularly. Some feel that seventeen minutes is optimal for peak performance. But, what if you have a samosa during your seventeen minute break? What would you call that type of break?

My daily rick! My scuffle?
The commute to work is an arduous task. But, what if this part of your daily routine had a different name? Since in India, people take rick-shaws, your commute could be referred to as your daily rick. I heard one British born India talk about his commute in Mumbai as “Two ricks and a train!” In any case, don’t forget to ask your co-workers, “How was todays rick?” If you don’t like “rick” you could call it a teleport to prepare yourself for life in 2050! Or you could just scuffle your way to work unless you are Yiddish speaking in which case you might schlep!

Lunchquet time anyone??
What could a weird term for lunch be? Perhaps a twist of words relating to banquet or feast? Perhaps lunchquet.

What about tasks around the office? In my business we have welcome calls, second welcome calls, newsletter calls, and calls to verify if someone is still alive. There there is order processing, email time, and blog writing in the evening. How can we come up with fun terms for these boring activities? How about, “Red carpet time” for welcome calls, and “Order time” for order processing?

Creating an atmosphere of innovation at your workplace might make your day more fun, and more productive. It could change how you think and make your business a lot more successful too. Part of innovation deals with the types of words we choose to use, and another part has to do with modifying processes and routines that we take part in daily. What’s your new word of the day?

I’m concerned about the rise of Jewish extremism in my neighborhood. If a black group gets together to defend their needs, that’s considered okay. But, if a white group dares assemble, that’s considered to be racist. Why the double standard? Well this group is a Jewish group that got away with religious intolerance so far. I wonder how much farther they will get.

MOISHE: Jewish Power! (raising his fist in the air)

ME: What are you doing?

MOISHE: Well, you know how the Ku Klux Klan burns a cross on people’s lawns when they are harassing them?

ME: Unfortunately I am aware of this antiquated practice.

MOISHE: Well, we are a Jewish group, so we burn a Star of David on someone’s lawn when we are harassing them.

ME: Why are you harassing these poor people?

MOISHE: You see, a Jewish guy just got married to a shiksa (non-Jewish lady) and moved into our neighborhood. We are outraged, and protesting!

ME: Oh, I see. That type of marriage is worse than murder.

MOISHE: To us, yes!

ME: Can’t she convert?

MOISHE: We wouldn’t consider it to be a sincere conversion under these circumstances. The marriage is cursed, and their descendants will be cursed for generations.

ME: Well, I’m offended.

MOISHE: You’re offended because we are committing a hate crime on someone’s lawn?

ME: No, I’m offended because you forgot to say “abrucha” (a blessing) on the Magen David (Star of David)

MOISHE: No, we didn’t. Hey Pinchas, did you say the blessing?

PINCHAS: No, I thought you did. Maybe next time we do this we should do the blessing together.

ME: Interesting. So, by the way, what is the name of your group?

MOISHE: Who us? We’re the Jew Klux Klan!

PINCHAS: Jewish Power! Jewish Power!

I take national security very seriously, so this skit is written in jest — Not to poke fun at those in Homeland Security who risk their lives to protect us!

The Hamas boys in Gaza found themselves outgunned and needed some help. A friend had them look around on the internet to see if they could find any helpful information. And, there it was! Outsource a Jihadi, in Gujarat, India. Mohammad and Hani in Gaza called this agency in India to see if they could obtain the services of a mercenary for hire and got more than they bargained for with Suresh.

MOHAMMAD: Okay, now let’s practice. The Israelis are hiding behind that embankment. When they surface, do you know what to do?

SURESH: Yes yes, we went over this in training class. I aim my rifle like this and then fire — “Allah hoo akram!”

HANI: You are saying it WRONG! It is not Allah hoo akram, it is Allahu Akbar. (loudly) “Allah-hu-akbar” (fires gun into the air) Are you even a Muslim?

MOHAMMAD: You dummy, you gave away our position!

(then, our three friends were subjected to a barrage of Israeli fire)

HANI: Okay, follow me. There is a tunnel that will take us to another location where we can fight.

SURESH: Okay, just to clarify, our contract doesn’t stipulate tunnels. And by the way, I am not Muslim, I am Hindu. But, I was trained by Dinesh who is a Jain, who was trained by Muslims.

MOHAMMAD: Contract? Listen, get in the tunnel, dummy, or you’ll get us all killed.

HANI: Okay, now the map says there is an opening around here. We are roughly 400 meters from our original location.

SURESH: Good. Just to let you know, our package deal is 1500 rounds of ammunition for 3000 rupees if you supply the amo with a three month contract, but next month we will be having a 10% off sale. We also have a promotion where you can get 200 backlinks to your website, and 4000 rounds of ammunition for an even better price, and a social media presence on Twitter.

HANI: Is that in the contract?

MOHAMMAD: Now, you are concerned about the contract? Forget the contract, we are fighting a war here.

HANI: So how do I pronounce your name?

SURESH: Well, I used to work at a call center outsourcing company, and went by the name John Smith. But, not that I work for a mercenary outsourcing company, you can call me Abdul-Aziz Hyati.

HANI: I’d prefer to call you Suresh, or Abdul-Aziz “Akram”

SURESH: “Allahu Akram” (bang bang) I just got two of them. You see, that guy on the left, and that other character in the middle?

HANI: You are still saying it WRONG! It is…

MOHAMMAD: Hani, he just got two enemy guys. Listen Suresh, you can say it anyway you like. Allahu Akram, Allahu Bok Choi, Allahu hino… whatever you like!

HANI: What is bok choi?

MOHAMMAD: It is some Chinese vegetable I think. I read about it online…

(bang bang… our friends are subjected to heavy shelling)

SURESH: “Areh Krishna!!!” (bang bang) I just got three more, and the others are running for cover.

HANI: Why is it that when he shoots he hits his target and I always miss?

SURESH: We received professional training using sophisticated simulation equipment. Here would you like to see the business card of our school?

MOHAMMAD: Don’t drop that here. It contains the address of your school. The Israelis will destroy the entire neighborhood if they find out.

SURESH: By the way, my buddy Dinesh, he has also been hired. He was deployed in Ashkelon. That is in Iraq, right?

HANI: No, that is twenty miles north of our exact location and he will be killing you and me in the next 48 hours. What the hell type of agency is this? You fight for both sides?

SURESH: Well, you see the contract says that…

MOHAMMAD: ENOUGH of the contract… The contract this… the contract that … “khullus!” (meaning enough)

HANI: Well, let’s celebrate, Suresh got five of them.

SURESH: Yay!!!! (throw his hands in the air and hits his finger on a metal bar) OUCH!!! Oh no, I’m injured. The contract says that if I am injured I must get immediate medical attention and get 20% extra pay.

MOHAMMAD: The contract again? Listen, all of our hospitals have either been bombed, or are overloaded. The only large intact hospital is 20 km from here and when they catch you at the checkpoint they will kill you for sure. Additionally, it is overloaded with people who have lots arms, legs, or have been so disfigured that their own mother wouldn’t be able to recognize them. You just have a sprained finger you numskull!

SURESH: Yes, and it is MOST uncomfortable

HANI: Would you like a massage? I specialize in that.

MOHAMMAD: By the way, what is this, “Areh Krishna” you said?

SURESH: Oh, I was just praying to my God

HANI: YOUR God? You mean there is more than one God now?

SURESH: We have many Gods in India in addition to Allah. Would you like me to educate you about them? I’ll do it even though that is not technicall stipulated in our contract under the terms regarding spiritual education.

MOHAMMAD: He is an infidel. And fighting on OUR side? This is blasphemy. And he is so good at it. How is this all possible. We have more in common with the Jews than with this guy. We both believe in Allah, the god of Abraham or Ibrahim as we call him, but this guy believes in false Gods. Quick. Query the Koran and see what we need to do with this guy.

HANI: It says we are prohibited from associating with him — no matter what.

SURESH: I understand completely. My Brahman friends feel the same way. But, they can cleanse themselves of my unholy Kshetria presence simply be engaging in a Ganga-Snan. A few drops of water from the holy Ganges river will purify you. It is our belief that water purifies everything and that water cannot itself be made to be impure.

HANI: Don’t we put water on people’s graves, is that the same thing?

MOHAMMAD: It doesn’t matter, because putting water on graves is not in the contract.

SURESH: If you are not going to take me to a hospital, then I shall be forced to call headquarters and get airlifted. (ring ring) Hello?

MOHAMMAD: NO!!!! The Israelis will get our coordinates from tracking your satellite phone.

SURESH: I’ll only be fifteen seconds…

(boom…. boom… a heavy sound of shelling.)

SURESH: Oh boy, I should have listened to you. No problem. We’ll just go back into the tunnel network right?

MOHAMMAD: They just bombed all of the entrances to all of our tunnels. We either run West, or we are sitting ducks.

SURESH: Well, for me, I prefer to fight my way out of this situation. And since I already have a sprained finger, I have nothing more to lose at this point in any case! Allahu Akram (bang bang)

This story ends as Mohammad and Hani run into the village behind them. Since the Israelis didn’t know their coordinates as they were running, they were able to make it. Suresh on the other hand, ran directly for Israeli troops. He killed a few more of them. Then, he crossed into Israeli territory, changed into civilian clothing and the Israelis didn’t suspect a thing. After all, his body language was completely Indian, bobbing his head back and forth and speaking with ultra-polite overly emphasized British Grammar.

ISRAELI: What are you doing here?

SURESH: I am lost. I was on a tour of a kibbutz, and then took a very long walk. Then I heard gun-fire and immediately became afraid for my life!

ISRAELI: Don’t you know there’s a war going on here?

SURESH: No, you see, I know, but I like to walk around and got lost. Everything looks the same around here, you know? It is not like my native India where I know the landmarks.

ISRAELI: Well, you are not allowed to be here. You are a security risk.

SURESH: Okay, I’ll leave. But, honestly the definition of what constitutes a security risk…

ISRAELI: Yes?

SURESH: Well, that is not in the contract!

ISRAELI: ENOUGH! Get out of here.

SURESH: Okay. No need to be belligerent. But, one more thing.

ISRAELI: What is it now?

SURESH: Our Gods are better than your Gods!

ISRAELI: Okay… this guy is crazy! (points his finger harshly towards the East!) Go!

People spend a lot of time on hold. Personally, I lack the patience for being on hold. It can last for twenty minutes or an hour sometimes. I wonder if companies value my time at all? But, maybe there is a lot opportunity here. If you put subliminal messages on your on hold message, you might sell more.

Subliminal messages are a form of hypnosis.
The listener might not be consciously aware that they are receiving messages, but their subconscious will definitely pick up on it. You could have messages that make people want to buy stuff, or just make them enjoy being on hold. I’m not sure how the whole subliminal message technique works, but I guess you can program humans to enjoy or want anything.

I was just at a car dealership.
I commented on how they liked Mo-town music from the 60’s. As usual, the rep claimed he didn’t even notice the music half the time since he was so used to it. But, I told them this was a wasted opportunity. They could play music with subliminal undercurrents worked into the music. Or just play cool songs like, “Baby you can drive my car.” and other songs that make you want to buy a car. Who says that the music needs to be subtle in its message? Songs could be picked with lyrics about cars or whatever else you are selling.

What about your BPO?
Imagine if you had some subliminal messages on the on hold music for your outsourcing outfit? Or what if you just had really pleasant music that people enjoyed listening to. It pays to figure out what type of music your clients like, but how many companies even bother? But, if I ran a call centre, I’d have hypnotic messages saying, “get more seats, get 100 seats in our call center with a three year contract!”

Working at a call center can be really fun or dismally boring depending on what you make of it. Fun call centers have competitions, fun staff, and fun activities. But, what if you went a step further and hired celebrity sound alikes?

It’s Elvis on the phone for you!
Imagine getting a call from Elvis Presley that your phone bill was overdue, or have Steve Jobs help you with your software problem. Imagine that Jennifer Lopez helps you return a product or the Barack Obama worked for a company doing medical process outsourcing! To me it sounds like good fun and possibly profitable as well.

British Accents
Many call centers try to hire people with really convincing British accents from the upper class. That is a quick way to add some class to your call center. Many folks in India have mastered British English, but they always seem to slip back into their Indian English after a few sentences. It might be expensive to hire the real thing, but it might be worth it for your bigger accounts at least as an option! Or if you have an account that needs someone more romantic, perhaps hiring a French, Italian or Argentinian might be the perfect choice. You could pick people to set the mood for any type of product or service if the client is willing to pay for it. But, why not? It would be much more fun for the end users and more fun for management too!

Hiring Real Celebrities
If you had a really good budget, you might even hire a real celebrity for an afternoon to make calls. People might get really excited. They could even send autographs out to callers. It’s too bad Elvis isn’t alive anymore, but there are many impersonators who still are. I remember seeing the Thai Elvis in Thai-town signing classic songs from way back. Unfortunately he got cancer and had to go back to Thailand, but he was famous in Los Angeles for more than a decade!

Splicing Real Celebrity Voices
The next option may or may not be legal, but you could have splices of words that celebrities have said on television and put them together to make a message that you send out by auto-dial at your call center. You might get in a lot of trouble, but you will have a lot of fun doing it, and that will really sound authentic.

In the meantime, I have to go back to the White House for some briefings!